his words . . .

back in february,
i was sitting in the play therapy room
at work with my colleagues and our spouses.

it was our christmas party

because we are therapists,
we don't care about things like
having christmas parties in the correct month.

and because we are therapists,
we do things at christmas parties
that most people wouldn't.

like take an hour and a half,
cocktails in hand,
to encourage one another.
as a staff, we shared all of the things
that we admire and respect about
our colleagues & team mates.

then our spouses got to speak.
and they were asked to share a trait
that we have that is a contribution to our team . . .
and THEN . . .
an area THEY would like to see us grow or push ourselves . . .
PROFESSIONALLY!

it was a gusty move on the part of
the conductor of ceremonies!
but it was cool.

i remember everything herb said.

"cara loves helping people learn about therapy - she is always so excited and pumped up after a team meeting. i would like to see her push herself a little and share her gifts more."

it is amazing what the words of a spouse can do to a person.

it can break a person down.

or it can build a person up.
it can give a person the courage they need to take a risky step.
because they know they are supported and loved
by someone who believes in them

because somebody thinks they have something worth sharing

so i did it
i created an internship program
for Foundations Family Counseling
a Master's level, year long internship program
for counseling students

i wrote curriculum
i marketed to schools
i interviewed candidates
i made binders with lots of information
and i bought snacks

because snacks are important

and yesterday,
for 6 hours,
i led the first day of orientation
for my first class of interns!

and it went fabulously!

Making Blueberry Pancakes, Pretend Like It's the Weekend Nooooow. We Can Pretend it All the Time!

For all of you low-carb eaters out there, these pancakes pack in the protein and have very little sugar. We LOOOOOVE them!

Cottage Cheese Pancakes with Blueberries:
1 cup cottage cheese
4 eggs
2 Tbs canola oil
2 Tbs flour
1 container fresh blueberries

Mix all ingrediants, minus the blueberries, to a blender.
Blend until smooth.
For thicker, cheesier tasting pancakes, mix in a bowl using a hand or stand mixer.
(Count on about 15 more minutes of cook time when batter is not blended.)

Pour 1/4 cup of batter onto hot, oiled griddle or pan to make each cake.
Press some blueberries into each cake.
Once the bottom of pancake has begun to firm up, pour a little bit more batter onto each cake; just enough to cover the berries.
Turn and cook on other side.

I normally only make these on the weekend, but when I asked herb to show me how happy he was that i was making these pancakes IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK, this is the priceless face I got:

Totally worth the few extra minutes!!!

DATE NIGHT UPDATE:
The weather cooperated for us - we got some rain in the afternoon,
making the evening all the more pleasent and cool at the gardens last night!
It was so nice to just wander around and talk (or not talk) with herb.
we even smooched a little bit.
i totally don't mind public displays of affection
i actually think it is kind of romantic and fun!
then our friends dave and natalie called us to join them for a drink.
we had reservations at cafe star
so we just asked them to come along with us - which was totally fun and last minute!
great to have them and get the update on their honeymoon and first few weeks as a married couple!
i love date (and double date) nights!

me. today.

drinking: water

reading: "girl in the mirror" and "queen bees & wannabes"

learning: why are ALL of my adolescent female clients trying to hurt themselves?

wondering: am i going to be ready when my internship team starts in june? do i have what it takes to teach them how to be good therapists?

listening: the weepies

wearing: dark jeans and a "librarian-sexy" see through blouse with poofy sleeves and a tie around the neck. black mary janes.

temperature: chilly but nice fresh air coming through the window

location: my tiny little office in the city - love it!!!!

outlook: hopeful

excited about & grateful for:
* new car to replace our leased car that we are turning in next week -
she is deep red-ish orange and i named her daphne because she is sleek and svelt . . . like a 40's pin-up girl.

* going to visit my lovely sister and girlfriends in kansas city next week! i get to follow kelly around while she shoots a wedding! so so so excited to learn from her magical ways!

* nothing ever stays the same. in the case of marriage, this is proving to be a very delightful truth!

* i ordered my mothers day gift two weeks ago! it will be arriving at her home sometime next week! yes! i love it when i am organized!

* my gran gosney is coming to stay with us for 4 or 5 days next month!

* summer in denver is amazing! can't wait for the farmer's markets, outdoor movies, hiking, and more and more and more!

* i turn 30 in 2 months and one week! . . . starting to wrap my head around that a little bit! unlike my 25th (which was seriously traumatic for me), i am actually pretty excited and feeling good about it all!

* i have been scrapping and making art without feeling guilty about all of the "wasted" time that i am not cleaning the house or doing "real" work!

* going to a wedding tomorrow night! delighted to be a small part of their story of love and redemption!

* making new friends in denver! lots of quality women are popping up in my world these days!)

* i am learning to CHOOSE joy and happiness everyday!

And I Have To Speculate That God Himself Did Make Us into Corresponding Shapes Like Puzzle Pieces From the Clay

We went to a "marriage conference" this weekend.
(sorry, this term normally makes us both a little skeptical . . .)
It was really good.
I am thankful.
More later.

Inspire This!

For the past year or so, I have been mopey.
Getting used to marriage has been a toughie for this girl!
The year before that, I was panicked.
Turns out, falling in love was kind of scary too!
Plus, it turned out that working with adolescent males full time was a little too much for my heart to handle.
And i wilted a bit.
So, there's that.

When you are mopey and panicky, you don't tend to be very creative.
But I am noticing that when you are not very creative, you tend to be mopey and panicky.
And then . . . you get weird.
(As if mopey and panicky were not enough!)
Bummer.

On top of that, I do have some of the traits of a typical first born kiddo (which i am).
I am a perfectionist.
But just to murky the waters, I am also creative and I am a bit cynical and pessimistic.
So, a cynical perfectionist knows that you can WANT to do something perfect . . .
but perfection just isn't possible.

The result?

Stagnation.

Why do anything at all if you can't do it perfectly?

This is the mantra of the First Born/Middle Child Hybrid.

In case you are confused, let me give you some background information.
I am convinced that the egg from my mom that was meant for me was accidentally matched with the sperm from my dad that was intended to go with mom's egg that was reserved for my younger sister Amy.

Does that clear things up?

While this theory is about as plausible as herb's theory about his conception and birth
. . . it just is what it is.

This is me.
Weird, first born-ish perfectionist-ish.

The point?

I have needed some inspiration.
A reason to be creative.
A reason to try, even if trying might mean mediocrity or *gasp* failure.

Every time I try to create lately, I seem to get stuck. Somehow I stopped creating for me and started holding myself to certain standards. That special, free, floaty feeling that i used to have when i created disappeared.

And remember, if you can't do it just right . . .
all together now:
"WHY DO IT AT ALL?"

Very good.

Right.
Why do it at all?

But lately, i have had a few people inspire me to do it - whatever IT might be!
even if you can't give it all of the time you want.
even if you can't do it "just right".
do it.
do something.
do it now.
don't wait.

there is a catchy little tune that has been stuck in my head for a few weeks.
and while it the chorus has the f-word, i believe truth can be found just about anywhere . . . even if it was not intentional on the part of the human who created it.
i have found myself humming it.
and after a while, i found myself believing it.
why not just do it?
do anything?

so, thanks, zefrank!

(if you are not too worried about hearing the f-work word, go right here for this hysterical little ditty.)


otherwise, this will give you the gist. this is part of zefrank's intro to a little song called "Where the "F" do ideas come from?":

"I run out of ideas every day! Each day I live in mortal fear that I've used up the last idea that'll ever come to me. If you don't wanna run out of ideas the best thing to do is not to execute them. You can tell yourself that you don't have the time or resources to do 'em right. Then they stay around in your head like brain crack. No matter how bad things get, at least you have those good ideas that you'll get to later.
Some people get addicted to that brain crack. And the longer they wait, the more they convince themselves of how perfectly that idea should be executed. And they imagine it on a beautiful platter with glitter and rose petals. And everyone's clapping for them. But the, but the, but the, but the bummer is most ideas kinda suck when you do 'em. And no matter how much you plan you still have to do something for the first time. And you're almost guaranteed the first time you do something it'll blow. But somebody who does something bad three times still has three times the experience of that other person who's still dreaming of all the applause. When I get an idea, even a bad one, I try to get it out into the world as fast as possible, 'cause I certainly don't want to be addicted to brain crack."

Funny AND true.
How's that for a double-mac-attack!?!?!
Love it!

And then there is my friend Kelly.
A few years ago, Kelly decided to become a photographer.
So she taught herself.
Then she opened her own studio.
And now she is an artist with a thriving business in Kansas City, MO!

The beautiful thing is that kelly (who i have known now for about 13 year - did the math in the shower this morning, kel!!!) sees more potential in me than i see in myself. And for the past year, we have made a habit of talking every few days or so. Recently, we have been chatting about once a day. And while I know we both benefit from our morning chats, I am beginning to realize that kelly is out to encourage me into greatness. Part of her approach to this is to invite me into the creativity that she has been splashing about for the past few years. So, she subtly slips opportunities my way - sort of disguised as bartering or favors . . . but in reality, she is pushing me to just get out there and do something with my talents! ANYTHING!

It is kind of like she taught herself how to build a roller coaster from scratch and i just walked over and said, "oh, i like roller coasters! can i have a ride?"

The pictures above are of a 12 x 12 canvas I made this week.
Thanks to kelly, i am going to make a handful of these and display them in her studio as an option people can choose when deciding how they want to display the pictures she takes of them and their family! This is my first attempt . . . mostly playing around with paint and adhesive techniques.

and zefrank is right - i know now more than i did three days ago!!!

thanks zefrank for asking the question, "where the f*** do ideas come from?" - even if you are a major potty mouth!
and thanks kel, for inviting me onto your roller coaster!

Not So Disgruntled

I have spent the past few moments chatting with Direct TV's automated customer service representative. . . we'll call him/her ACSR.
If you know me at all, might know that the worst, ugliest part of myself tends to come out in two places . . . my marriage . . . well, that is pretty normal and even has the potential for redemption and healing and growth . . . and when I am on the phone with a customer service representative.
It's ugly.
But it's my truth.

My main problem with customer service is that I am calling because I don't know something.
I have a question.
I am confused.
You have to give them all sorts of information just to get going.
Then you have to explain to them the thing that you don't understand to begin with.
If I don't get it, I sure can't explain it to you.

Moral of the story?
I sound like an idiot.
And customer services representatives don't really like talking to idiots.
Do I blame them?
No.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
So they ask me to explain my problem and I sound stupid.
Then they treat me like I am stupid.
Then I treat them like poop.
And it goes on and on.

The automated system normally hacks me off even more.
I will almost always just start pressing "0" over and over until I am talking to a real person.
Because when you are living in my mind, you typically make things much more confusing and difficult than they really are . . . and let's be honest, Mr. ACSR, I am much much too complicated and high-maintainance for you.
You have nothing to offer a confused, learning-disabled-ish girl like me.

But today it was nice.
Automated Customer Service Representative (ACSR):
"What is the home number this account is attached to?"
ME: "Gosh, I don't know." I gave them herb's cell phone number while frantically looking for our number. We never use it!
ACSR: Repeats back the cell number. Just giving me enough time to find the real number. "Is this correct?"
ME: "NO!"
ACSR: "Please give me your correct number so I may further assist you."

Honestly, for a split second, I felt like an idiot. I felt like somehow the ACSR has the ability to pass judgment on me and determine I am a huge moron.
But the beauty of it is . . . he/she does not.
Nope!
Not even a single little bit!
It was a good customer service representative day for me!

And let's talk about this "bundle" chananagain that Qwest is trying to pull.
I called Qwest and paired down our phone line from $34 to $11.50 a month.
Bare bones, people.
That is all this girl needs!

Then I called back to discuss bundling (it just seemed like a good idea to keep it separate).
Turns out that if and only if I go back to my $34 home line package can I get a bundling deal.
Then I can save $5 a month.
Nope.
Once I hike my monthly phone package up I can bundle my direct TV into the whole deal and save another $5.

Let me think about this.
Nope.
I am currently saving over $20 and I only have the services I really need.

Did you know that in Colorado it is only $6.50/month for a basic, bare bones phone line!?!?!?
It is $15 in most other states!
I added the $5 line backer and called it a day!

AND I have even convinced herb to at least THINK about pairing down our Direct TV package.
If we watch TV in one room (instead of three),
and cut out one of the cable packages,
we can save $23 MORE each month!!!

And if we go down to a more basic channel package, the possibilities of savings - ENDLESS!
Well, not really endless, but at least another $15.

It has so little to do with the actual savings.
And if we don't do it, I have assured herb that our relationship will remain fully in-tact.
But I would love it!
I know $20 here and there adds but, but it is not a huge deal for us right now without kids, etc.

The huge deal, is this:
I really like simplifying.
I was in the middle of a total re-simplification makeover when I met Herb.
And then I realized how much I like the luxuries of cable and Ti-Vo and all of it.
So simplification took a hiatus.

I love Ti-Vo, but it is not necessary.
It doesn’t' make me any happier.
Truly.

So here we are.
Simplifying as we go.
No big deal.
But a lot of fun.

Next stop . . . cell phone package!!!
YES!

In other news . . .
Our date night was fantastic!
We are getting to a point where we just really like spending time together.
Sounds weird since we are married.
And newlyweds, at that.
But let's be real,
in our case, after we said I do . . . we said . . . I do WHHHHAAAAT??????
and that lasted about a year and three or four months.

But in the last 8 weeks or so, we have turned a big corner.
The love thing was never a question.
The commitment thing was solid.
BUT NOW . . .
We like each other again!

It is fantastic!

So, a hot dog and a silly movie was so much fun!
At the end of the day, we are just a couple of cheap dates. Seriously, as much as we LOVE eating at "gourmet bistros" and staying at creative, plush places on vacation . . . it really doesn't take much!

Follow Through

. . . not one of my stronger suits.

Yesterday, I was laughing with my friend Allison about a conversation I had with Herb earlier that morning. I was running out the door to meet Allison for a walk (late, of course). The night before, I told Herb that I would make him breakfast the next morning. Come Tuesday, I woke up an hour late. So, with about 30 minutes before I am scheduled to meet Allison, I threw the sausage in the pan and hopped in the shower.

The sausage burned.

Without much explanation or attempt to redeem the lack of delievery, I threw my coat on and said good-bye to herb.
Regarding the lack of breakfast he said, "I feel like you never even intended to make me breakfast!"

Well, I giggled at this for a few reasons:

1. The burnt sausage on the stove serves as evidence to the contrary.
2. Lack of intention has rarely been an issue for me. No. I am a dreamer. And a promiser. It is the follow through that I often lack.

I told Allison that if Herb is going to pick on my character, I need for him to at least expose the accurate character flaw!

(Sidenote: Herb in no way requested that I make his breakfast. It was fully offered and inadequately delievered. And in response, after a moment of pouting, he was extremely gracious about it.)

All of this to say, I have been following through in some other areas . . .

For starters, I mentioned back in February that Herb and I decided to ditch Valentine's Day in exchange for a monthly day of intentional romance. Decided by us - not by Hallmark. A date. A suprise. Just something that says "I love you AND I took a few minutes to put something together to show you!"

So here we are.
April.
We are alternating months, so it is technically Herb's month, but I am playing catch-up from March because we were out of town quite a bit (plus I planned both of the romantic trips we took, so technically, I am in the clear, but I really wanted to do a simple, herb-style denver based date.)

The whole "romance a month" thing really started to fulfill MY needs. Herb doesn't need this as much. And his low romance requisit makes it tough to know how to pamper him sometimes. So after much pondering and prayer (no kidding), I finally figured out how to put together a date for my guy.

Thursday night, you will find me and Herb at Steve's Snappin Dogs . . . a hot dog stand on Colfax Ave . . . followed by the 8:15pm showing of "Blades of Glory".
Yes, that would be the new Will Farrell figure skating movie.

Mmmmmmm.
40-something comedians in lycra.
Nothing says I love you more than that!!!

I still can't figure out the best way to post these big scrapbook pages that don't fit in our scanner.
I have been taping them to the back of the office door, lighting them just so, and then taking a photo.
Seems tedious.
But laying them on a desk or counter and hovering above with the camera is not really doing it for me either.
Still exploring that one.


i love presents - giving and receiving . . .
but the catch with me is that you can't just go to the store and buy me a bottle of perfume.
oh no.
i like presents that are meaningful, creative, and thoughtful.
these kinds of presents are sort of lost on herb.
he appreciates the sentiment.
thinks they're sweet.
says "thank you".
but really, for herb, cards and little handmade gifts don't communicate the massive love they are intented to communicate.
now, folding all of the laundry and cleaning off the counters . . .
that sends my man through the roof.
but a handmade gift . . . ehh.

however, he told me that the little book i made him while we were dating is something he looks at again and again.
so, i thought i would try my hand at making him one each year . . .
here is the little book i gave herb for our anniversary in november.





And . . .
A little peak at what i am working on now . . .
My sweet friend stacy asked me to make a collage for her son's room that could also work in other rooms of her home, later.
Right now, I have two putty colored canvases and i am cutting circles.
We'll see.

Thanks

When Herb and I started dating, one of our jokes was that we couldn't wait to get married, move to the suburbs, and buy a mini-van for me to drive. In this tongue-in-cheek, "no way in the world will this ever be our reality", fantasy, I would be a scrapbooker with a bad haircut.

Well, something odd happened along the way. I actually became curious about scrapbooking. It began our first Christmas when I was buying stocking stuffers for herb. I found a small, sophisticated black scrapbook in the dollar section. I bought it. I didn't have time to do anything with it before Christmas. But for Valentine's day, I used it to tell our love story. I used some pictures, but mostly my handwriting, doodeling, and passages from my old journals. I love love loved making it and it is the one handmade gift I have made him that he goes back to over and over again.

But still.
Scrapbooking?
I bought a magazine.
And a few pretty patterned papers from Target.

And I let it all sit, tucked away for about six months.
Somewhere in there, I saw an article in a magazine by this girl . And i figured that if she could scrapbook, so could I.
Then, I saw this gal's blog and thought . . . "oh, yeah . . . scrapbooking. i have all those pretty papers tucked away. I can do this. If they can do this, I can totally do this."

SO, thanks Elsie and Jody for scrapbooking.

Today, Elsie shared her favorite picture on her blog. And asked "us" to show ours.
Sort of a less dirty version of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

So, here are a few faves from the past couple of years.

I of course love this smoochy italitan honeymoon picture.

And then there are these two which perfectly show off my husband's character . . . hard-working and playful! Plus, who gets the chance to help two old italian fishermen dock their little boat!?!?!?

Status Check

Current Musings on . . .

Creativity . . . I know I have it, but I think it is stuck. I imagine there is a huge lump of creativity in my right elbow. And it can't get out. And then there are spurts when i have amazing ideas AND the energy to actually do something with them. Lucky for me, these times almost always come when i am driving or working or otherwise unaccesible. Sweet.

Marriage . . . I have decided to begin referring to the first two years of marriage as "The Years of Negotiation". These are the years when you find yourselves arguing (again and again) over things like "does the bedroom door stay open (herb) or closed (cara) at night" and who does the chores. Despite the fact that we have more than 8 months left in the YON, i must say i am really enjoying my man these days. he is sweet and funny and he gets excited over simple things like new undies from the gap with cars on them. it is nice when you figure out how to show love to the one you love! never knew it might turn out to be so simple!

Career . . . I have my hands dipped just a little bit into so many different areas right now. I will let you know if i ever figure out what i want to be when i grow up! this week alone, i interviewed a student for an internship program i am creating, saw a therapy client, volunteered, worked on an art commission, thought about another art commission, and shadowed a Child Life Specialist at the hospital! plus, i have started getting the "mommy bug". i am sure that will go away soon though!

My Butt . . . Sorry. But I really must include this one. After much hard work, I lost 25 pounds this fall. And I managed to keep them off over the holidays! And for the first time since the 9th grade, I bought a BIKINI on sunday afternoon! A real-life, full-fledged, "not your grandma's bikini" bikini! And . . . a size 8 dress. Size 8, people! Again, let me clarify why this is a huge deal! In the 6th grade, I wore clothes from the children's section. In the 7th grade, I wore a size 2 from the juniors section. In the 9th grade, I was a size 12 and have been ever since! Except for the times when I was a size 14. There were a few of those. SO, I am not sure i have ever actually been a size 8! Here is to firsts!

The Artist Formerly Known As Valentine's Day: Vol. 1

9 am: Couples Counseling, where i played the role of wife married to husband with deep-rooted need for unconditional love; made difficult by a deep-rooted determination to never love unconditionally for fear of being taken-advantage of.

11 am: Interviewed a potential intern for the training program i am developing. The real gem here is when the student asked why I am a therapist, to which i replied something just about as charming as "I did not really pick therapy. Sometimes, therapy just picks you. i have tried not being a therapist, but it just keeps coming back to me." yep. i actually said that. really, as she left, i think we both knew i might not see her again. that perhaps she would like to be supervised by somebody whose reason for doing the job they are training her for is more complex than, “I am becoming a very good therapist.” i wouldn't blame her. I know we all have “those” moments. I just get bummed when they come at a time that actually matters.

1pm: Volunteered at the hospital and made a valentine for my man.

5pm: Picked up my man and scurried across town for a surprise massage at Indulgences Day Spa. I like surprises. And Day Spas. It was lovely. And very thoughtful and sweet of my man.

7pm: Now we are at Blockbuster. Sweet man offers up Marie Antoinette. To which I point out that he has no interest at all in this film. But he says he would do anything for love . . . even that. He suggests Season Two of Project Runway but after realizing that Tim Gunn might not be featured very much, we give it up. In the end we decide on a film with the charming Ryan Gosling. He plays a young man in the 1930's. He is a poet at heart but society sees him as nothing more than one of the rough neck mining kids. Except for of course the lovely Rachael McAdams. He sees her. She sees him. He convinces her that she is a tight-a**, and furthermore convinces her that in order to cure this, she should lay in the middle of a road and stare at the stoplights. And when her life is almost whisked away from her as a car plunders through, she doesn't proceed to kill him, but slow dance with him. Back in the middle of the street. What is wrong with this girl? She will never get admitted into Sarah Lawrence if she keeps behaving this way! They fall in love. Her parents tear them apart. He leaves for the war. She goes to school and falls in love with the right man this time. Cal. Who falls in love with Cal? In the end of course, the guy who deserves the girl gets the girl and we tear up a little bit and swoon. And then fall wildly into each other's arms. This last part was pretty awkward when the film was being shown in the theatres. But now that it can be rented . . .
But this is not the film we rented. We got that other Ryan Gosling film. You know, the one that was nominated for something on one of those awards shows? The one that nobody really recalls being in the theatre. Yeah. That one. About the charismatic teacher who speaks the language of his inner-city students . . . oh, and apparently smokes the crack pipe on a regular basis. It is one of those films where there are silences as long at 13-15 seconds. Sometimes longer. It makes me want to smoke a crack pipe. In the end, I don't.

So, his prize student finds out his secret. And apparently he finds out about a secret she has. But I never felt too clear about that. I fell asleep. But I did wake up in time to catch the girl picking her teacher up from a cheap motel after a binder and taking him home. Oh, and a very poor rendition of the "Interrupted Cow" joke. A real feel good movie.

At this point, I wandered upstairs and collapsed on my bed because apparently a massage, a slowly nursed glass of wine (oh wait, that was herb who slowly nursed his wine. i think i practically slammed mine. might be part of the problem), and a generally sensitive body don't go well together. And tiramisu. I really love tiramisu. And so i ate some. But I don't think it was all that useful. The reason I am saying this is because I actually heard ringing in my ears. I didn't know this actually happened to people. I thought it was an expression. For what? I am unsure. But there was ringing. And then a very strange and inexplicable mystery "white noise" and even though sweet herb humored me very well, it was clearly "my very own special noise".

So I slept.
Until I didn't.
That would be until about 3 am.
Because you see, I normally have a small white pill that tucks me into bed at night. But with the wine and tiramisu and whatever weird massage toxins where floating about . . . not to mention the inexplicable noises . . . i skipped the sleeping friend. It just seemed like if I took it, I might not wake up until next Tuesday.
So here I am.
Awake.
Fantastic.
At least it gives me a chance to do my 5 am blogging that I just love doing!

Hope you had a great day!

Who made YOU feel loved yesterday?

No, It Isn't At All Like the Movies

Our friend Libby says that Herb and I are perfect for each other because we both have that "urban hipster" appearance . . . but it is a mere disguise for our down-home, mid-western sensibilities.

It's true. Herb single handedly led our block into a "barn raising" this week . . . he has been out in the ally for two weeks, chopping the 8 inches of ice with an ax. Eventually, the other men whose families share our ally began to come out and help him. By Sunday, we had four men out chopping . . . and I brought out a pitcher of water while another wife scurried inside to retrieve a plate of homemade cookies.

Despite my nose ring, my charming cynisism, and my tendancy to be a "christian cusser", at the end of the day, I like having my car door opened for me, baking cookies, and I look forward to being a (mostly) stay-at-home mom in a few years. And while I would love to be like my cooler friends who can say, "Valentine's Day is just a holiday made up by vendors to trick piss-poor husbands into spending way too much money on one contrived day to make up for their aloofness during the other 364 days of the year", I just am not that cool.

The thing is, my husband is not aloof. He is sweet, and kind, and funny, and home every night for dinner. He makes me laugh. He is faithful. He is a hard worker. He shovels the snow and makes me a smoothie any morning I am running late. He repeatedly plays my favorite dice game with me even though he has only ever won twice!

But I still enjoy the idea of being over-the-top romanced for no reason at all!

As it stands, Valentines's Day has been a bit of a sore subject in our house the past few years. I really love the idea. A day to be showered with romance and affection. Herb is not only disinterested . . . he is actually turned off and fairly disgusted by the whole thing. And I totally get that! But it makes the days leading up to February 1-4 a little tense around here.

After a few tears, some unkind words (on my part), and some last minute planning for this year, I think we finally negotiated it for next year in a way that will please us both. There will be some sort of reallocation of the 14th to another, non-commercial, non-publically celebrated day. And that is fine with me. See, it only took us three years of Valentine's to figure that one out!

Before we offically canceled Valentine's Day for the future, I did a little cupid-ing of my own . . . but because I do not care to look or feel like this:


I will in fact, NOT be wearing this tomorrow:


I guess I learned my lesson about buying into cliches.

To my credit (I hope), it did not look like this AT ALL in the pictures when I ordered it. It is not quite what I had in mind for accomplishing a romantic valentine's day look. In fact, I think my sister and I had some jammies for our Barbie Dolls that looked pretty similar to this. But, Herb did give me a good laugh by trying it on for me before I mail it right back to where it came from!!!!

In other Herb news, please note our casual breakfast conversation from today. While looking at the blisters on his hands from all of the shoveling and chopping of snow and ice this winter, the man said (with a straight face) . . . "It's a good thing I wasn't in prison back in the 1920's . . . I don't think my hands could have handled being on the Chain Gang. Or in France during the time of Bastille."
To which I replied: "I get the Chain Gang thing . . . but, France?"
Herb: "Oh, I am mostly basing that off of Les Miserables"

At this point, my ice chopping, snow shoveling, ugly pink liangere tutu wearing man began singing the first song from Les Miserables . . . complete with ax swinging sound effects.

Love is sweet. You just sometimes have to look for it in places other than roses and wine. In the end, I much prefer his silly humor and his faithfulness to me over a box of chocolates. It all just takes a little readjusting of the expectations!

So, sometime in the middle of April or October . . . you might find us unavailable . . . because we just might be off spelunking or taking a couples karate class . . . you know, to celebrate our Non-Valentine's Day!

Little Booger

For just a moment, I thought I would go back to the original theme of this blog . . . the thoughts that whirl through the mind of a newlywed.

This is a picture of my cousin's little girl, Aly.
Three and a half years old.
Six hours togehter.
And this is the best picture I could get of her.
Honestly.
Finger up the nose.

Here we are 14 months into this thing and as I think about having our own children, I am suprised at my mixed bag of emotions. There are moments when I am ready to have a big fat belly and the impending 25 years of obligation . . . I always thought I would be ready to start our family at the obligitary two year mark . . . but most moments . . . when I am feeling most sane . . . I can't imagine that!

We still have so much to learn and so many ways to grow before we throw little ones into the mix. Really, it wouldn't be fair: "Sorry little Johnnie, you will have to wait for your breastfeeding until mommy is not pissed at daddy anymore . . . I would hate for all of these angry hormones to get passed over to you through my breast milk." I mean truly, can you imagine! Naming a newborn baby "Johnnie"! I just couldn't do it!

The truth is, we actually don't fight the way we did during our first year of marriage. We have made a lot of movement and growth. But I just can't imagine the energy it would take.

I think we drained all of that kind of energy from each other during the days of "Mine! MINE!!! MINE!!!!!" "That's my way of doing things . . . those are my issues that your are pushing! That's MY set of dishes that I never cared about before but I will not give them up because of you! They are mine!"

We certainly didn't need kids around here, we already had two big babies! And now, we are toddlers . . . not much better. I suppose once we make it past the third grade phase of "ooooh, girls are gross!", we might be able to consider it.

His heart . . .
is deep and wide.
It is full . . .
and overflowing.
It is tender
and wounded
and thristing for more.
He laughs
and listens
and shares
and cries.

His heart . . .
knows God.
And loves me too.
He listens at church
and talks about it
a little bit.
But mostly, he
just puts it into action.

He bought K-Mart gift
cards for us to put in our
glove compartments
to give out to folks in need.
I made a big deal out of
"giving them to people
who are equipped enough to
know how to use them" . . .
he already knew that, though.

And he is using his "restoration"
money that was given out in church
a few weeks ago
to start a hat and glove fund.
These will also be kept in our cars
to give to folks in need.

He trusts God
and doesn't let rules or expectations
keep him from living the
way God would want him to.

Tonight, we saw a man
who was asking for money.
We didn't have any.
Two hours later, we saw him again.
By now, we had cash from an ATM.
Herb gave him a $20 without
thinking about it.
He was not worried about how
this man might use the money.
Certainly, not all of the imporvereshed
are addicts.
But so many of them are.
That is how they end up on the streets.
It is deemed the responsible thing to
gauge the likelihood that the person
will use the money for food or shelter
instead of crack or moonshine.
But Herb doesn't seem to bother
with all of that.

I grew silent.
Poverty overwhelms me.
Addiction pains me.
There is a place
deep
deep
deep
inside of me
that understands my responsibility
to serve and love the poor and weary.

I yearn to make a difference.
I desire to see it all change.
And I know that I can help.
But it all just seems so big.
Where to start?

I have worked with addicts before
and so infrequently do they change.

Cycles are so hard to brake.

So, I reacted out of my head
rather than my heart.

"He was so strung out, babe.", I said.

"I don't think that matters - it is not
ours to decide if and when someone
deserves to be taken care of.", he said.

I love his heart.

I am so excited today!
In my basement guest room, I have the makings of a cozy, comfortable space! I picked out some delicious paint colors . . . and spent the morning trying them out on the walls. I have decided on grizzly Bear for three of the walls . . . and a pumpkin spice shade for the focal wall . . . where the bed will be! The bed is covered in a yummy new brown quilt, with circles of pink, red, blue, green . . . i drug in a groovy hutch from another room . . . and I am going to stain it green. And I have another cool night stand . . . very rustic . . . that I will stain pink or blue. . . I have not decided.

Designing a beautiful home is something I always wanted to do. I just didn't have the space, time, or money to do it. It is difficult to make a place your own when you are competing with the styles and preferences of roommates. Little did I know that marrying a sensitive, creative, FABulous man would lead to similar road blocks.

Unlike many husbands, my man cares about design, color, texture. It is fun when we are out shopping or daydreaming. But when push comes to shove, we have both found the house to be a place where our fears of being unheard and disrepected are inflamed. The home is a place we express ourselves. It is a place where we vulnerably put ourselves "out there". And "ourselves" tend to be very different.

He loves clean lines and mod patterns. He loves Eurpean style. He likes maculine, sophisticated colors. I love that too. But I also love distressed barn wood, old quilts, and chunky pottery. I love folk art and just the right amount of clutter. I love stacks of rocks from various trips on my window sill. I love notes stuck into the corners and crevises of mirrors and cabinets.

Merging our homes has been a challenge this year. Learning that "I don't like that" does not mean "I don't like you"! Obvious, but hard to learn.

But today, I am happy. I have a little corner of our world where I get to express myself! And it makes me feel like "myself" is totally loved, accepted, and celebrated!

I will post pictures this weekend!

Paper Hugs

Last week I spent some time in a groovy home-grown book shop. Love those. With their carefully thought out window displays. And their creaky wooden floors. So unpretentious. So NOT trying to be both a big-time chain while maintaining small town charm. The woman at the register . . . writing down purchases in a little spiral notebook. Sigh.

While I was there, I wrote down some titles for a new project Herbie and I are going to try out. We are each going to pick out a book (hopefully from different vantage points) about the same president. Then we are going to discuss it . . . and then pick out things that happened during his presidency and read books about those things.

I also spent a long time in the cozy back of the store. Pulling out my favorite old books . . . the ones my mom read to me. The ones my kindergarten teacher read to me. Some of them so old that my mom and kindergarten teacher were read these books as little ones. With two friends pregnant, and my slowly growing desire to start a family of our own (someday) . . . I wrote down the titles of my favorites.

Enjoy!



The Runaway Bunny *** Guess How Much I Love You *** Jam Berry *** Where the Wild Things Are *** Alexander and the No Good, Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day *** Sylvester and the Magic Pebble *** Amelia Bedillia *** Ramona Quimby *** The Very Hungry Cattepiller *** Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka *** Caps for Sale *** Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel *** blueberries for Sal *** Ricki Ticki Timbo *** corduroy *** Popcorn *** Paddington Bear *** Angelina Ballerina *** Each Peach Pear Plum *** The Mitten *** The Velveteen Rabbit *** What Do You Do With a Kangaroo *** There is a Monster at the end of the Book *** Are You My Mother *** Make Way for Ducks *** Another Mother *** Bread and Jam for Francis *** Brown Bear Brown Bear *** Goodnight Moon *** Eloise *** Stone Soup *** Madeline *** Make Way for Ducks ***


What were YOUR favorite children's books?

What are you reading right NOW?

The Vows

Cara,
I know that it is only through the grace and love of Jesus that I can make these vows to you. So I commit to you that I will always pursue you through His eyes.
I vow to love you when it is easy, but especially when it is difficult.
I vow to celebrate and cherish you and to pursue us as a couple before I pursue myself.
I commit to working through and processing the impossible things that life drops before us.
I vow to give my heart to you and only you.
I promise to take swing lessons with you!
I vow to hear you and your needs, your desires, and your dreams.
I vow to challenge us to pursue lives that continuously reflect the love of Jesus.
I vow to pursue God and His direction for our lives.
I vow to identify and work on things in my life that might keep me from an intimate relationship with you or things that might hinder our pursuit of God.
I vow to hold your anxieties, fears, and doubts in the arms of our marriage.
I vow to buy you flowers for no special occasion.
I vow to treat you with respect and honor.
I vow to laugh with you, sing off-key with you, boogie with you, cry with you, celebrate with you, make babies with you, walk in the park with you, nap with you, make decisions with you, tickle you, travel with you, and share my entire life with youÂ… till death do us part!

Herb,
I commit myself first to Jesus Christ, and it is through faith in His goodness and love that I commit myself secondly to you.
I will freely share my heart, my thoughts, and my body with you. I will not hold back any part of myself from you.
I will listen to you – even when I am not feeling heard.
I will laugh and play with you; I will dance with you in the kitchen and kiss you in the rain. I promise to always keep you guessing!
I will journey, explore, and adventure alongside you – even when the path seems uncertain and the outcome is unknown.
I will honor you with my actions and my words; when I speak to you or about you to others.
I will stay with you and be faithful through the best and worst that life may have to offer us.
I will encourage you when you are discouraged.
I will challenge you to become the man God designed you to become.
I will be patient with you.
I vow to look beyond your individual needs or my individual needs – instead, I will focus on what our relationship will benefit from. I will not take a fighting stance with you or defend myself against you – instead, I will trust that you are fighting for me and our relationship!
I will show you in small ways that I love you – I won’t wait for a fight to show you how much I care.
I will learn to assume the best of you – rejoicing in the truth of who you are and refusing to assume the worst of you.
I will hold you, squeeze you, and smile at you . . . I will be your partner and your
friend . . . until death do us part!


WOW! Looking back, through clear eyes . . . as a wife, not a fiance . . . not a bride-to-be . . . these vows take on such a different meaning. They have such heftier implications and responsibilities. The funny thing about these vows is that we promised things we are not capable of. And funnier, things we had never even attempted to do before . . . things we didn't even know if we are capable of doing. And we are educated, intuitive people. . . so had we read these vows objectively . . . had they been somebody elses wedding vows . . . I think we would have both said - "WOW! That is a big commitment. Are you ready to promise those things? Do you even understand what you are committing to?"

But maybe that is the funny thing God does when you fall in love. You loose some objectivity. You become overcome with emotion and excitement about the future. And you are capable of making promises that God knows you won't be able to keep . . . at least not all of them . . . all of the time.

I mean, "I will assume the best of you . . . " This from the girl who has been suspicious of everyone, her entire life? In general, I assume the worst about most things most of the time and now I have committed to always assuming the best of the one person who will have total access to me . . . the one person who is most capable of fully loving me . . . the one person most capable of fully devastating me? I am going to always assume the best of him? Wow, I don't even assume that the barista at Starbucks has my best intentions in mind - how did I think I would be able to do this with Herb?

Loss of objectivity. Stary eyes. God clouds our judgment, I think, for a little while . . . so that we won't be scared off of marriage. Because if we really knew the implications of trying to fully love another human being . . . I don't think we would ever make the commitment. Because we just are not capable.

That is the point of marriage, I think. Or one of the points . . . to learn how to love. I mean, really love. Not love, in the sense of infactuation and attraction and finding the other person undeniably charming and hilarious . . . Love in the sense of sacrifice. Comprimise. Honoring. Seriving. Going to the grocery store after you are already in your pajamas because your spouse needs cough medicine. And doing it with a kind heart. Giving the other person a break, even when they have been a bonehead.

Real love. It really has very very little to do with your feelings for the other person. Has little to do with how cute or funny or charming they are. It has to do with you. And your heart. And your willingness to get over yourself for another person. It doesn't even have much to do with feelings. It is more about action and perspective.


SO, a year later, I look back at these vows. And I value them. They are funny though. Kind of like going down to my mom's basement and pulling out the big plastic tubs full of finger paintings from kindergarten and three sentence paragrpahes from 3rd grade. They are sweet. Kind of funny. Because you know more now than you did then.

But the beauty is in the process . . . in the learning. You must finger paint before you can create the Sistene Chapel.

The Engagement

This is a picture of my first scrapbook page . . . I made it this past January. It tells the story of our engagement. What a lovely evening! There were a handful of times when I knew, for sure, that I would marry Herb. I was very timid about dating in general . . . typically cut off any perspective relationship by date two or three . . . but with Herb, I know I needed to keep going. But that didn't stop me from being nervous . . . just like everyone, I have my issues & scars . . . especially when it comes to trusting men . . . but that is another story for another day . . . or maybe that is another story that just doesn't need to be highlighted. I am not sure. But all of that to say, going out with Herb felt like a big risk. After Herb asked me out for our second date, I remember telling my roommate, "I don't want to go out with him! But I do know that I am going to marry him. So, I guess I need to go."

It was one of those things. Intuition . . . the Holy Spirit . . . whatever it was . . . I knew. Sometimes, we have to move towards things even when they scare us. And I did. And I do. And I will continue to.

How is that for a cryptic post?

You can find another story (written on 10/31/06) about how I knew I would marry herb here.

Attitude Check and The Best French Onion Soup Recipie Ever

Around 12:30 this afternoon, I decided to make a menu for the week, complete with grocery list. The idea was to then go to the grocery store and get my supplies for the week so that I will be prepared and perhaps even a bit more relaxed this week. Just think, when I leave the hospital at 4pm, I can be home by 4:15pm instead of stumbling around the grocery store trying to think of something to make for dinner. Lovely.

And yet, it is 3pm and I have just completed my list. It is like I can't let myself do something useful to give myself a hand up for the rest of the week. I could have been to store and back by now. I could have already done the one other task I set out to do today and be reading or doing something creative. But here I am. Still on the couch. And now I will rush around to get all my goals completed before we go to church in 2 1/2 hours.

I can still go to the store. And I can still be prepared for the week. I mean, I have a great menu planned . . . french onion soup and flank steak, fish tacos, and this yummy concoction of chicken, artichokes, mushrooms, kalamata olives covered in a yummy red pepper cream sauce - and the best part is, it is a Cooking Light recipe, so I can feel good about pouring the half and half into the food processor because the elves at CL have found ways to let me use yummy ingredients while watching out for our health at the same time! Bless 'em!

When I was single, I think I probably fantasized about Sundays like today. I would have loved to have a second person to plan meals and cook for. Going to the grocery store while he was snug on the couch with the football game as the backdrop of his dreams would have sounded like heaven to me.

But here I am. It is reality now. And while I enjoy planning meals and going to the grocery store, I don't feel all that different than I did back in my basement apartment, sitting on my hand-me-down fouton - wishing I had a partner to share life with. I still feel discontent sometimes. I still wish I was different - you know, less sensitive and more disciplined. I still get "stuck" sometimes . . . unable to do things I want to do in exchange for widdling away my time and then rushing around later.

I have been studying certain women around me lately. Some live nearby, others are friends far away . . . some are strangers whose blogs I "monitor" on a regular basis. What I am learning is that circumstances inform our experience of life much less than I would like to give them credit for. I have always thought that if circumstances are the barometer, then when I don't feel the way I want to, I can just daydream about different circumstances that might someday bring me the experience and emotions I want.

But I know better than that! I am a therapist, for goodness sakes. I knew in the back of my mind that marriage would not solve all of life's problems . . . my mom told over and over again that a man was not the answer to any pain I might have in my heart. And I replied with an indignant, "I KNOW that mom! But I still want to be married!" But she was right. I hate it when she is right. But she is right . . . a lot . . . especially when it comes to me.

I have the man now - a great man! - but my heart still feels empty sometimes . . . okay, more often than I would like to admit. So I won't.

The point is: the women I have been studying have a variety of circumstances: some are single, others have had tradgedy, some have sick children or struggle with their own health, some have awesome marriages, others struggle financially. But they all have something in common: a strong faith in Christ and a daily choice to look for the positive and enjoy what they have.

So, I will stop my pity party and my daydreaming about being a different person and go put MY shoes on. Because really, despite a few scuffs and the fact that I trip and twist my ankle when I wear them sometimes, they are good shoes. Then, I will kiss my sleeping husband on the forehead. I will go to the store. And I will be thankful.

And now, the soup!

Frech Onion Soup

1/4 cup unsalted butter
6 large onions (about 5 pounds), thinly sliced (**** I find my food processor cuts the prep time for this recipie in half!!!)
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 cup brandy
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
6 cups beef broth, homemade or canned
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
12 (1/2-inch thick) slices French bread, toasted
3/4 pound coarsely grated Gruyere

Heat the butter in a soup pot over moderate heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring frequently, until caramelized, about 40 minutes.
Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Remove the pot from the heat and add the brandy. Return the pot to the heat and cook, stirring occasionally, until almost dry. Sprinkle the onions with the flour and cook, stirring, for 3 minutes. While stirring, slowly add the broth. Bring the soup to a boil, lower the heat, and simmer, with the cover slightly ajar, about 20 minutes. Season the soup with salt and pepper.

Arrange a rack about 4 inches from the broiler and preheat.

Arrange 6 ovenproof crocks or deep soup bowls on a baking sheet and ladle the hot soup into them. Arrange 2 slices of toasted bread on top of each soup and sprinkle with the cheese.

Broil the soups until the cheese is melted and bubbling. Serve immediately.

(***This soup can be made the day before - it tastes even better after it has been around for a while!)

Marriage: A Tool for the Depraved? VOL. 7

Herb posted this on the comment section of my last post this morning. But I think we should let him have his own forum to share his thoughts . . . so here's herb!

I'll have to steal Cara's blog space since I have yet to plunk down the time and energy of setting up one for myself! :)
I just wanted to share an exchange with my doctor a couple of months ago. I see him every month, so he keeps tabs on most of the goings-on in my life. He started by asked how my stress level was...

Me: Fine. Nothing to big... just relationship stuff, you know.
Dr: Oh, how's that?
Me: You know, just the roller coaster ride of marriage (being ambigious, hoping he would drop it)
Dr: (Not one to drop things) Oh... well, how big are the dips and hills on your coaster ride?
Me: Well, they've been pretty high and pretty low at times.
Dr: What are YOU doing? (He's been married 25 years or so, he will always assume I am the cause!)
Me: Well... you know we have over 50 years of combined selfishness we are trying to work through and it's been really tough at times.
Dr: {laughing} You should have that posted above your front door like McDonalds. "Over 50 years of selfishness!"
Me: {Laughing with him now} Oh, and then we just count down for every year we take off?
Dr: No, underneath that, you start counting how many years of selfLESSness you guys have together.
Me: yeah... (That's about all I can usually muster up when presented with such clear wisdom).

We'll never erase the selfishness, but we don't have to be tied to our past. Identify it and move in a new direction... together. To quote RENT, "Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today. There's only now, there's only here, give in to love, or live in fear."