go now

. . . check out this girl's new blog!

i work for tamara's husband, matt.
and she rocks!
seriously, she paints, she sews, she knits, she gardens, she teaches art, she decorates . . .
and now, for the whole world to delight in
(or at least the 4 or 5 peole who read my blog)
she blogs!

some things that are making me smile

things i have been working on . . .
things i have around me that bring a little sunshine . . .

one of my favorite flowers was in fully bloom last week!
i love peonies!
they are like the ecentric, edgy cousin of the rose!


a canvas i am working on for kelly's studio


a little motivator . . . good words



a little thought that rolled out of my head when i should have been sleeping


this sweet little "curly girl" card . . . if you don't know curly girl you must immediately open another tab and check her out!!!
(but come back and finish reading my blog, okay?)


and finally, some pics from my beautiful red book
where i keep little tidbits and snippets that
inspire me!
you could call it an inspiration book if you like.
or george
or stella
whatever.
she's not picky
but she IS pretty!

going crazy

a picture from our trip to mexico
back in march
kind of wishing i was back there today
i have created some projects for myself
i put myself out there
and people have responded
and now i have so much work to do
and i am just staring at my computer
hoping it will tell me what to do next

interns are starting in two weeks
this is great
but i really want them to have a solid foundation
i want this learning experience to be organized and meaningful
intentional
i don't want to be flying by the seat of my pants
so i am working
hard
to create order
i am not so great with order

i also have some really amazing commisioned projects
due in july
more on that later
pretty weird that this is all happening at once

Over and Out (again!)

here are a few things i did in the last 32 hours!
FUN!

and now . . . we are heading out of town tomorrow
morning for herb's cousin's wedding.
hmmm.
weird to put two possesives in a row.
is that right?
"herb's cousin's wedding"???
at any rate, we are out of here -
milwaukee or bust, baby!

enjoy the rest of your week
c

words i (re) learned

last week i took some pictures of my beautiful friend stacy and her amazing new little bebe . . .
hutch.

i have to say,
everytime i take "real" pictures
i gain more and more respect for people
who do this professionaly.
dude - it is HARD!

but i think this handful turned out pretty well.

if you have any input (constructive) feel free to drop me an email or leave a comment.

timely

(sitting in the basement of kelly jackson . . . getting ready to mapquest directions to my cousin's house . . . because even though i have been to kansas city countless times since i was a newborn babe . . . i have NO idea how to navigate this town!)

i have been full of new creativity lately.
little baby blooms
waiting for me to let them burst
into something
colorful and
loud
or soft
or whatever they want to be
whatever they need to be

and it is easy to have ideas
and before you let them out of your mouth or hands or feet
you decide what they are
what they can do
and if they are worthy.

it reminds me of the time i walked through
downtown denver
with my friend andy
(by the way, everyone needs an andy)
and i told him
after my first date with herb
why it would never work
why he would not like what he saw
why my homebody ways and my inability to
remain awake past 10 pm would chase him away
why it was not going to work.
why herb was going to decide it would not work.

and then andy did what all true andy's do well
he stood on a city street bench,
hovering above me
and he told me i was not aloud to decide
for herb
what herb
would decide to think about me.

scary, huh?

yep.

but i did it.
i let me be me.
and i let herb decide what he thought.

turns out he likes me.

so come to me
little ideas
little baby ideas
clever baby ideas
colors and sounds and feelings and dreams
come decide what you will
come say what you will
i won't decide for you.


The real reason i started this entry today . . .
to share this quote i found . . .
at kelly's house.
on her desk.
the one i sat down at 15 minutes ago to mapquest directions to my cousin's house . . .

"each person is created to see a different facet of god's beauty - something no one else can see in quite the same way - and then to bless all worshipers through all eternity with an aspect of god they could not otherwise see."

thanks for that, mr. c.s. lewis

love,
cara

studies show that guest bedrooms given exposure to the arts are 4 times less likey to smoke cigarettes and find more success in school.

you can't help but smile

me. today.

drinking: water

reading: "girl in the mirror" and "queen bees & wannabes"

learning: why are ALL of my adolescent female clients trying to hurt themselves?

wondering: am i going to be ready when my internship team starts in june? do i have what it takes to teach them how to be good therapists?

listening: the weepies

wearing: dark jeans and a "librarian-sexy" see through blouse with poofy sleeves and a tie around the neck. black mary janes.

temperature: chilly but nice fresh air coming through the window

location: my tiny little office in the city - love it!!!!

outlook: hopeful

excited about & grateful for:
* new car to replace our leased car that we are turning in next week -
she is deep red-ish orange and i named her daphne because she is sleek and svelt . . . like a 40's pin-up girl.

* going to visit my lovely sister and girlfriends in kansas city next week! i get to follow kelly around while she shoots a wedding! so so so excited to learn from her magical ways!

* nothing ever stays the same. in the case of marriage, this is proving to be a very delightful truth!

* i ordered my mothers day gift two weeks ago! it will be arriving at her home sometime next week! yes! i love it when i am organized!

* my gran gosney is coming to stay with us for 4 or 5 days next month!

* summer in denver is amazing! can't wait for the farmer's markets, outdoor movies, hiking, and more and more and more!

* i turn 30 in 2 months and one week! . . . starting to wrap my head around that a little bit! unlike my 25th (which was seriously traumatic for me), i am actually pretty excited and feeling good about it all!

* i have been scrapping and making art without feeling guilty about all of the "wasted" time that i am not cleaning the house or doing "real" work!

* going to a wedding tomorrow night! delighted to be a small part of their story of love and redemption!

* making new friends in denver! lots of quality women are popping up in my world these days!)

* i am learning to CHOOSE joy and happiness everyday!

I Like Rocks ***elsie challenge***

today, elsie flannigan did a challenge over at creating keepsakes .
the idea was to scrap a page about something you find beautiful . . .
something that is simple and ordinary and everyday.

there are so many things . . .
kids playing on the playground
the flowers in my front yard
the vintage looking label on the brand of coconut milk i buy . . .
my husband's silly smile that he makes after he has made a joke and is waiting for the perfect pause in the conversation to say his next joke . . . .
the beautiful old wooden floors in our home . . .
so many many things . . .

but there is one thing that came to mind front and center -
(maybe because i had a picture printed and ready to go!?!?!)

the truth is . . .
i really love rocks.
when i go somewhere special, i pick up a rock.
when i am having a hard day, i pick up a rock.
if there is something i want to be sure to remember,
you get it . . .
ROCK!

we have a small and growing menagerie of these memories on our window sill.
there is the flat, round one i picked up one day and sat on the top of my computer at work - i wrote "strength" on it (just as a little reminder that god is my rock and my strength)
then there is the one my sister picked up on a walk back in 2003 over thanksgiving - when we celebrated our last holiday with our beloved aunt sara a few weeks before cancer took her body.
there is the heart shaped one i picked up in hawaii for herb the first time i realized i was in love with him . . .
and the little tiny castle shaped one from our honeymoon that reminded me of the watch towers that dotted the amalfi coast (you know, to protect the city from pirates!?!?!?!)
. . . our most recent addition is the two small white shiny stones we gave to each other during a ritual at the marriage conference this weekend.
it is my version of a modern day karin (not so sure of the spelling on this one)
the way i understand it, "karin" is the irish practice of stacking stones to mark a special moment or place or time.
ancients used to collect and stack rocks when they found some sort of victory.
the isrealites used to pick up a stone when god showed himself faithful . . .
then when they started to wonder where he was again . . .

(and i understand this can happen from time to time
when a three day trip ends up taking 40 years
and your god may or may not show up
in the form of a cloud, a bush, or an ass.)

. . . they would just pull out their rock and remember his faithfulness,
trusting that he will indeed be faithful again.
personally, if i was living a nomadic lifestyle, i am not so sure that my first thought would be "rock!"
but hey, they where under a lot of stress . . .

so, there you go.
a little random tidbit about what makes me tick.
rocks.
they remind me to god's faithfulness,
things i am thankful for,
and things i hope for.

And I Have To Speculate That God Himself Did Make Us into Corresponding Shapes Like Puzzle Pieces From the Clay

We went to a "marriage conference" this weekend.
(sorry, this term normally makes us both a little skeptical . . .)
It was really good.
I am thankful.
More later.

Inspire This!

For the past year or so, I have been mopey.
Getting used to marriage has been a toughie for this girl!
The year before that, I was panicked.
Turns out, falling in love was kind of scary too!
Plus, it turned out that working with adolescent males full time was a little too much for my heart to handle.
And i wilted a bit.
So, there's that.

When you are mopey and panicky, you don't tend to be very creative.
But I am noticing that when you are not very creative, you tend to be mopey and panicky.
And then . . . you get weird.
(As if mopey and panicky were not enough!)
Bummer.

On top of that, I do have some of the traits of a typical first born kiddo (which i am).
I am a perfectionist.
But just to murky the waters, I am also creative and I am a bit cynical and pessimistic.
So, a cynical perfectionist knows that you can WANT to do something perfect . . .
but perfection just isn't possible.

The result?

Stagnation.

Why do anything at all if you can't do it perfectly?

This is the mantra of the First Born/Middle Child Hybrid.

In case you are confused, let me give you some background information.
I am convinced that the egg from my mom that was meant for me was accidentally matched with the sperm from my dad that was intended to go with mom's egg that was reserved for my younger sister Amy.

Does that clear things up?

While this theory is about as plausible as herb's theory about his conception and birth
. . . it just is what it is.

This is me.
Weird, first born-ish perfectionist-ish.

The point?

I have needed some inspiration.
A reason to be creative.
A reason to try, even if trying might mean mediocrity or *gasp* failure.

Every time I try to create lately, I seem to get stuck. Somehow I stopped creating for me and started holding myself to certain standards. That special, free, floaty feeling that i used to have when i created disappeared.

And remember, if you can't do it just right . . .
all together now:
"WHY DO IT AT ALL?"

Very good.

Right.
Why do it at all?

But lately, i have had a few people inspire me to do it - whatever IT might be!
even if you can't give it all of the time you want.
even if you can't do it "just right".
do it.
do something.
do it now.
don't wait.

there is a catchy little tune that has been stuck in my head for a few weeks.
and while it the chorus has the f-word, i believe truth can be found just about anywhere . . . even if it was not intentional on the part of the human who created it.
i have found myself humming it.
and after a while, i found myself believing it.
why not just do it?
do anything?

so, thanks, zefrank!

(if you are not too worried about hearing the f-work word, go right here for this hysterical little ditty.)


otherwise, this will give you the gist. this is part of zefrank's intro to a little song called "Where the "F" do ideas come from?":

"I run out of ideas every day! Each day I live in mortal fear that I've used up the last idea that'll ever come to me. If you don't wanna run out of ideas the best thing to do is not to execute them. You can tell yourself that you don't have the time or resources to do 'em right. Then they stay around in your head like brain crack. No matter how bad things get, at least you have those good ideas that you'll get to later.
Some people get addicted to that brain crack. And the longer they wait, the more they convince themselves of how perfectly that idea should be executed. And they imagine it on a beautiful platter with glitter and rose petals. And everyone's clapping for them. But the, but the, but the, but the bummer is most ideas kinda suck when you do 'em. And no matter how much you plan you still have to do something for the first time. And you're almost guaranteed the first time you do something it'll blow. But somebody who does something bad three times still has three times the experience of that other person who's still dreaming of all the applause. When I get an idea, even a bad one, I try to get it out into the world as fast as possible, 'cause I certainly don't want to be addicted to brain crack."

Funny AND true.
How's that for a double-mac-attack!?!?!
Love it!

And then there is my friend Kelly.
A few years ago, Kelly decided to become a photographer.
So she taught herself.
Then she opened her own studio.
And now she is an artist with a thriving business in Kansas City, MO!

The beautiful thing is that kelly (who i have known now for about 13 year - did the math in the shower this morning, kel!!!) sees more potential in me than i see in myself. And for the past year, we have made a habit of talking every few days or so. Recently, we have been chatting about once a day. And while I know we both benefit from our morning chats, I am beginning to realize that kelly is out to encourage me into greatness. Part of her approach to this is to invite me into the creativity that she has been splashing about for the past few years. So, she subtly slips opportunities my way - sort of disguised as bartering or favors . . . but in reality, she is pushing me to just get out there and do something with my talents! ANYTHING!

It is kind of like she taught herself how to build a roller coaster from scratch and i just walked over and said, "oh, i like roller coasters! can i have a ride?"

The pictures above are of a 12 x 12 canvas I made this week.
Thanks to kelly, i am going to make a handful of these and display them in her studio as an option people can choose when deciding how they want to display the pictures she takes of them and their family! This is my first attempt . . . mostly playing around with paint and adhesive techniques.

and zefrank is right - i know now more than i did three days ago!!!

thanks zefrank for asking the question, "where the f*** do ideas come from?" - even if you are a major potty mouth!
and thanks kel, for inviting me onto your roller coaster!

from the girl who should not be allow to blog after 7:30 pm

it woke up.
right now.
well, a few minutes ago.
around 10:45.
after a bath and taking my evening pills.
after snuggeling with herb.
after the light went out . . . for the third time.
as my tall and broad and always warm husband drifted off,
i felt another presense with me.

next to me.

not snuggled up like herb, but rather tugging and prodding.
a presense much stronger and much warmer.
it breaths the hot yummy-stink of creativity . . .
you know what i mean?
it is kind of like "sexy-ugly" or the smell of grass or gasoline.

anyway, it hummed this tune under it's intoxicating breath . . .
the hope of possibility.

full of ability dying to burst through the seams of your neatly croched socks.
ripping out of the bounds of something created to keep me warm and safe.
it is uncaring.
unwilling to take excuses.
it doesn't even have to seduce me before i am slinking out of my bed and following the heat within my own heart into the office to discover any number of endless possibilites.

books, talks at conferences, retreats, photography, a line of fun girly cards, a line of wedding invitations . . .

they all clang about in my head.
and then i see a book (not hard to do in our house) or a photo or a painting . . . .

and i stop.

because somebody already did it.
they don't need you.
the world doesn't need you to do what anyone else can do and what hundrads who are far more brave than you have already done.
and done well.

so i slink away.

but not this time.

you see, i have another pal.
even stronger than creativity.

so here i sit.
me and curiosity.
very interested in what god might possibly do through and in and around this girl.

Something Barbara Bush and I Have in Common

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up." ~Barbara Bush

I am working on a project for Kelly Jackson today . . . compiling a list of quotes that her customers can choose from to put into their wedding albums. So far, I have a whole lot of quotes from New Kids on the Block and Dawson's Creek. I think I am off to a good start.

There is a lot to say about this shooting in VA today. Or maybe nothing to say at all. But I will say this, I am very grateful that I have the man that I have to walk through this crazy world with. I am blessed.

Thanks

When Herb and I started dating, one of our jokes was that we couldn't wait to get married, move to the suburbs, and buy a mini-van for me to drive. In this tongue-in-cheek, "no way in the world will this ever be our reality", fantasy, I would be a scrapbooker with a bad haircut.

Well, something odd happened along the way. I actually became curious about scrapbooking. It began our first Christmas when I was buying stocking stuffers for herb. I found a small, sophisticated black scrapbook in the dollar section. I bought it. I didn't have time to do anything with it before Christmas. But for Valentine's day, I used it to tell our love story. I used some pictures, but mostly my handwriting, doodeling, and passages from my old journals. I love love loved making it and it is the one handmade gift I have made him that he goes back to over and over again.

But still.
Scrapbooking?
I bought a magazine.
And a few pretty patterned papers from Target.

And I let it all sit, tucked away for about six months.
Somewhere in there, I saw an article in a magazine by this girl . And i figured that if she could scrapbook, so could I.
Then, I saw this gal's blog and thought . . . "oh, yeah . . . scrapbooking. i have all those pretty papers tucked away. I can do this. If they can do this, I can totally do this."

SO, thanks Elsie and Jody for scrapbooking.

Today, Elsie shared her favorite picture on her blog. And asked "us" to show ours.
Sort of a less dirty version of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

So, here are a few faves from the past couple of years.

I of course love this smoochy italitan honeymoon picture.

And then there are these two which perfectly show off my husband's character . . . hard-working and playful! Plus, who gets the chance to help two old italian fishermen dock their little boat!?!?!?

Status Check

Current Musings on . . .

Creativity . . . I know I have it, but I think it is stuck. I imagine there is a huge lump of creativity in my right elbow. And it can't get out. And then there are spurts when i have amazing ideas AND the energy to actually do something with them. Lucky for me, these times almost always come when i am driving or working or otherwise unaccesible. Sweet.

Marriage . . . I have decided to begin referring to the first two years of marriage as "The Years of Negotiation". These are the years when you find yourselves arguing (again and again) over things like "does the bedroom door stay open (herb) or closed (cara) at night" and who does the chores. Despite the fact that we have more than 8 months left in the YON, i must say i am really enjoying my man these days. he is sweet and funny and he gets excited over simple things like new undies from the gap with cars on them. it is nice when you figure out how to show love to the one you love! never knew it might turn out to be so simple!

Career . . . I have my hands dipped just a little bit into so many different areas right now. I will let you know if i ever figure out what i want to be when i grow up! this week alone, i interviewed a student for an internship program i am creating, saw a therapy client, volunteered, worked on an art commission, thought about another art commission, and shadowed a Child Life Specialist at the hospital! plus, i have started getting the "mommy bug". i am sure that will go away soon though!

My Butt . . . Sorry. But I really must include this one. After much hard work, I lost 25 pounds this fall. And I managed to keep them off over the holidays! And for the first time since the 9th grade, I bought a BIKINI on sunday afternoon! A real-life, full-fledged, "not your grandma's bikini" bikini! And . . . a size 8 dress. Size 8, people! Again, let me clarify why this is a huge deal! In the 6th grade, I wore clothes from the children's section. In the 7th grade, I wore a size 2 from the juniors section. In the 9th grade, I was a size 12 and have been ever since! Except for the times when I was a size 14. There were a few of those. SO, I am not sure i have ever actually been a size 8! Here is to firsts!

There Are Others

This is a piece in our new art museum addition.
I told herb that if i was in the third grade again, i would have felt like seeing this huge striped canvas was a sign that i was not alone in the world . . . . it would have meant that there were others out there beyond the windows of my mom's station wagon that were also tired of trying so hard to pay attention in school and being bad at sports and pressed ham on white bread for lunch everyday.

It meant that one day i could be glamorous and silly and wild and free.
Oh, and eat McDonalds Chicken Nuggets whenever I felt like it!

It meant that there were people that would say, "If you want to paint big flowers on your bedroom wall, let's make that happen!" "If you want to wear striped leggings with plaid boxer shorts over them to school, go for it - you will not be mocked or chided in any way!" "Sure, it makes sense that when you lay on the edge of the couch in the living room with your head hanging off the edge that you could spend hours contemplating what life would be like if we had to live on the ceiling." "Go ahead and throw a little temper tantrum if somebody is mean to you just because you tend to be a little backwards . . . they are a bunch of boring jerks who will grow up to work in middle management! When you are done crying we will go throw eggs at them!"

So, here's to you Mr. "Big Striped Canvas For Absolutetly No Good Reason Other Than You Felt Like It" Painting Guy!

I'm Over It

It is snowing.
Again.
For the third time
in three weeks.

I am researching cheap flights to Mexico.
Heck - we have miles - we could just fly for free.

Maybe when we get back this will have all melted.

Probably not.
I have to come back before MARCH!

In other news . . .

I finally got over my "artists block" with the painting I am doing . . .
Who would have guessed that wandering into Paper Talk to get invites for Aly's "baby shower" would help me over the hump . . . but it is amazing what a new pack of the most perfect black and white polka-dotted tissue paper . . . mixed with a funny conversation with a self-proclaimed co-dependant gay man . . . will do for a girl! I am grateful.

I have been thinking about goals for this next year . . . still have not figured that all out yet. But certainly am realizing that my life is really different than it was a year and a half ago and I have a lot of room to play with my creativity - but with that freedom comes the flip side . . . a lack of structure and expectation. So, I must figure out a groove with finding my own set of goals and structure.

Life is good.
Now, if I could just remember that!!!!

I was listening to "Cecilia" this morning and chuckled as I remembered that it was not that long ago that I realized that Paul Simon was the Simon of Simon & Garfunkle. Funny.

I am also really enjoying Regina Spektor (especially On the Radio) . . . and the Grey's Anatomy Season One Soundtrack . . . especially the last 5 or 6 songs.

I have been talking to Kelly Jackson a lot lately . . . three times in one week - lucky girl am I! Grateful for her too . . . so that makes tissue paper, a gay wedding planner, and Kelly on my gratitude list so far . . .

And herb. I am grateful for herb. He has been playing out of the box with me lately . . . and I appreciate that a lot! We went sledding! So much fun. I have not been sledding in about 7 years! And then, for New Years, we stayed in an made homemade sausage. Yep. That's right. We are trying out new family traditions . . . that are just ours. We really are liking this one! It is just quirky and funny and odd enough . . . But then we had people over the next day for football, lounging and sausage . . . so, really, that helped normalize it a bit. Next year, Sausage Fest 2007! Herb is already thinking about T-shirt designs . . . get excited!

All right . . . back to my canvas.

I am so excited today!
In my basement guest room, I have the makings of a cozy, comfortable space! I picked out some delicious paint colors . . . and spent the morning trying them out on the walls. I have decided on grizzly Bear for three of the walls . . . and a pumpkin spice shade for the focal wall . . . where the bed will be! The bed is covered in a yummy new brown quilt, with circles of pink, red, blue, green . . . i drug in a groovy hutch from another room . . . and I am going to stain it green. And I have another cool night stand . . . very rustic . . . that I will stain pink or blue. . . I have not decided.

Designing a beautiful home is something I always wanted to do. I just didn't have the space, time, or money to do it. It is difficult to make a place your own when you are competing with the styles and preferences of roommates. Little did I know that marrying a sensitive, creative, FABulous man would lead to similar road blocks.

Unlike many husbands, my man cares about design, color, texture. It is fun when we are out shopping or daydreaming. But when push comes to shove, we have both found the house to be a place where our fears of being unheard and disrepected are inflamed. The home is a place we express ourselves. It is a place where we vulnerably put ourselves "out there". And "ourselves" tend to be very different.

He loves clean lines and mod patterns. He loves Eurpean style. He likes maculine, sophisticated colors. I love that too. But I also love distressed barn wood, old quilts, and chunky pottery. I love folk art and just the right amount of clutter. I love stacks of rocks from various trips on my window sill. I love notes stuck into the corners and crevises of mirrors and cabinets.

Merging our homes has been a challenge this year. Learning that "I don't like that" does not mean "I don't like you"! Obvious, but hard to learn.

But today, I am happy. I have a little corner of our world where I get to express myself! And it makes me feel like "myself" is totally loved, accepted, and celebrated!

I will post pictures this weekend!