On the Ridiculousness of Dreaming Big

(dreamy iPhoto taken on my Mac. not my heart lace curtains in the background.)

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about dreaming big. Putting yourself out there and hoping for the best. Better yet, believing that the best will come. This has gotten hard for me in the past decade. Not because I believed in the best and didn't see it come to pass, but because some hard things happened. Things I wasn't even thinking about - best or worst case scenario. Life just swooped in and took over. My parents divorced. My relationship with my dad all but withered up as a result. I got married only to find that my own marriage experience was extremely difficult. I simply saw how difficult life can be. So, for me, the thought of dreaming big . . . believing big . . . seems crazy. Why would I start to expect great things when I know that at the end of the day, life is just hard?

But the reality is, I have spent the last 10 years living as a skeptic. Expecting the worst. Hunting it down. Pulling it out of people. And it has been hard. I am tired. And in a lot of physical pain. Expecting the worst was my way of protecting myself. I figured that the worst was inevidable, so I might as well be in control and find it before it finds me. In the end, it is wearing me down. Not only that, I do believe that when we look for something, that is what we will find. Well, I have spent too much time looking for the worst. But it is scary to consider my alternative. What if I start looking for and expecting the best and I don't find it? What then?

As I look into the next decade, if I allow myself to dream, I see babies and new career paths, a tight circle of local friends doing life together, and a ridiculously rich, romantic, and even *gasp* easy relationship with my husband. And that, right there, is where I start to recoil. "Who am I to dream of an easy marriage? Marriage isn't easy. Not for anyone. It is hard work. You know this, Cara. You are being ridiculous!" The words start flooding my mind. When I begin to dream of a quick, complication-free conception followed by a dreamy pregnancy, a baby that latches easily and learns to sleep through the night, I hear the same voices. "That is ridiculous! That is not even close to reality! You can't control that stuff! It is going to be incredibly hard. You are just going to have to deal with it! It will be so hard." Well, maybe it will be hard. Maybe I will struggle with fertility. Or maybe I will be sick for nine months. Maybe. Maybe my baby will be colicky like his or her momma was. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe not. And it is that space, the "maybe not" space, that I want to begin exploring. The space of possibility. The space of hope.

What will happen to me if I begin hoping for the best? Expecting the best? Will it come more easily because my heart is open to it? Or will I be crushed by disappointing realities that come
regardless of my posture towards the future? What then? Will I feel foolish and embarrassed? Will I have a hard time hoping again? Who will protect me if I am not "prepared" or "protected" for the worst? But then I also think, "What if hoping opens you up to all sorts of magical possibilities that you would not have otherwise? Do you really really want to miss that out of your efforts to protect yourself from disappointment?"


Blogger cara harjes said...


11:32 AM, October 01, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10:25 AM, May 25, 2010  
Blogger jack69 said...

I am just blog jumping and landed here. I see you have not posted in awhile and may not read this. But Go ahead and dream big. Unless you are on drugs, you can do it, it is there. Keep dreamning big. Of course this is coming from an old man who has his girl and has had her for over 55+ years. She is still the dream of my life. I just put her to bed and told her she is the most important thing in my life.
My sons haven't been so lucky, both have failed marriages. I dreamed of them being like their mom and dd, happy eternally.

Easy, not by a long shot, but worth it? you bet. I wrote a small book once called 'Why Not Forever' it was not the best seller, but I have had good response. Novels are more fun to write, but even in them, I use facts from life.

So come on. Dream big. LIfe is good and there is extreme happiness just waiting for you. expect it.
From Florida where all old folk go.
Sherry & Jack of the Shipslog

8:25 PM, February 07, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was declared Lucifer years ago by the xtian world the gods used as positioning. What isn't achnolowedged is Lucifer is the voice of the disfavored, pushed into evil and temptation, cast as wicked by xtianity to ensure the gods could defend when he taught the Meaning of Life.

The gods used Christainity as temptation to repel people away from themselves, the pentagram being the holy symbol of the gods, and of their Chosen One's teachings, the Second Coming, Lucifer.
Don't forget::::It is not a house of Jesus.
Christianity is evil. It is responsible for slavery of Africans. It is responsible for this wicked reject dumping ground known as the United States.
There is a major difference between how Europe and the rest of the world were inflicted with xtianity:::Push vs. pull strategy. As a result, expect the "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" may be reserved for the Europeans and few others who were forced into this evil religion:::The god's management of culpability defines the level of compensation everyone receives.
The god's primary goal with this Situation was their minimization of culpability arising from inflicting us with the 20th century and liberal counter-culture. Everything I have taught is true. Now that this Situation is complete the disfavored have been taught. The gods are no longer/minimally responsible from this point forward, pitiful "reach around" compensation for ruining your Planet Earth. Their empty promise to me "We'll make it up to him." has been met with similar inadequate compensation in your case, and the gods will find a way to wash their hands of this obligation to me as well.
If they were honest how little they ultimately intended to grant us our sacrifice would have ended long ago, but they used this lie "We'll make it up to them." to further our misery, with absolution of obligation on the agenda for the future.
My experience is obscene. I paid everything. But at least the gods got what they wanted.

Entire morning wanting for images of the shooter. 9:08a they released the picture of the perpetrator, only after the other two morning news outlets went off the air. As a result, Rockaffeller was given EXCLUSIVE rights to the image for the duration of the day, essentially. Today runs to 11a.
Composer, conductor and sympohony. The gods chose the industrialists and they made this tragedy happen. It's also why NBC broadcasts the Olympics, an all-consuming distraction in the lives of so many youth atheletes, costing them the chance to understand and focus on the big prize in life:::Ascention into heaven as a child.
I don't get credit for being one of god's prophets because "People's careers depend on it." and this positioning is how the gods have manufactured the control they so relish. They would never allow organic growth. Too many uncontrollable variables, too quality an opponent. And they would have paid. All to the benefit of the disfavored's knowledge and wisdom.
Based on their behavior I would call them Satan before god.

9:43 PM, July 20, 2012  

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