in detroit
it is cold here
be home soon.

tired girl does a *RAK*

so, there are so many other, much much much more noteworthy things to blog about,
like for instance the fabulous weekend i just got to spend with this favorite girl of mine

but let's be honest,
we leave town for five days tomorrow
and who is not packed?
me.
who has been up since 5am?
me.
ridiculous.
my brain is so sleepy that i can't possibly do justice to our wonderful time!
but i will.
soon.
just not tonight.


speaking of things the deserve a cupcake factory and huge parade
full of parade-y things . . .
how about this sweet woman
who sent me some tea and a tea cup with saucer and a book
to help me through my year without tv.
i love friends.
and the fact that they like us
even when we are so tired that we give
really tired, lame blog "thank you" posts.
so, rhi, thanks thank thanks.
you are brilliant and kind and good.

but, i did feel it was quite necessary to post the pics at the top of this post
because, honestly, i am both
impressed
and
disturbed
that my face can even make these expressions.
weird.
i never knew it.

okay, so here is the RAK:
leave me a comment with
a short title or narration
for each of the four pics of kelly and i in the photo booth.
the one who makes herb and kelly and i laugh the hardest
will receive a sweet package sometime next week.
we will pick a winner saturday by noon.


peace to you
c

this list

i am really loving this list.
it is just such a fun way to intentionally
decide what the things are
in your world
that feel like celebration of all of the good stuff.
an intentional way of digging into the good stuff
and also splashing all of your own good stuff all around.

so far, i cannot cross anything off of the list
though i am getting closer to achieving some.

for instance, this weekend,
we went on a scouting trip
off the coast of washington
to see if we can find the place on orcas island
that will be suitable for a writing sabbatical.
so that is something.
(and yes, we found THE place . . .
now we just need to negotiate the money thing)

in terms of teaching leo to sing Sweet Caroline,
we practiced on thursday last week,
and i have to say,
i know that the kid is not even three yet,
but this is going to be a much more involved ordeal
than i originally anticipated!

exhibit a:

he would only sing if i would first build a house for him to crash into
with his cars. i had to build him a new house for crashing each time i wanted him to sing.


exhibit b:

the boy will NOT relinquish the binky! come on!
there are no binkies in singing, kid!!!

have you ever . . .

had one of those kinds of days?
or weeks?

it is not a bad mood really.
it is not sad.
it is not upset, even.

just sort of . . .
wander-y
and lost.

last week i literally heard myself say
out loud
"i feel so lost.
what am i doing?"

it is an odd feeling
but when i can get my head
out of the oddness of it
for just a minute
i realize that it means there is movement
there is change.

a year ago, i would not have felt these things.
that face i posted would have been
angry
or rage-y
or angst-y
or sad.

it would have been desperate
and lonely
and out of fight.

but i am out of that place now
and i don't feel sad or rage-y or angst-y.
my life does not feel like it is crumbling apart
and i feel the need to have roof-mounted guns
on my nissan murano
much much
much less frequently.
like, once, maybe twice a week.
that's pretty good, i would say!

i suppose i feel like a brand-new middle schooler, in a way.
they have conquered elementary school -
all of it -
and now they have moved on to the next thing
because they are ready
and they are prepared
and they are finished with learning
the things they need to learn
in elementary school.
and because it would be terribly embarrassing
for a 17 year old to be hanging out in the 5th grade.
in other words,
sometimes, things just HAVE to move along.

but when we move along,
even if we are ready
and even if it is crucial
in achieving the goal of not being the world's oldest
student in the D.A.R.E. program,
it does not mean that it is easy.

in fact, most 6th graders would gladly go back
to the 5th grade at first.

and that is because they know bupkiss about being 6th graders.

so here i am
in a healthy marriage
finally
and i am lost.

because so far, i have had very little experience
being a healthy woman
in a healthy marriage.

and it is so so very good that i am here.
but i would sure appreciate it if a nice,
nerdy, approachable 8th grade honor student
would give me a tour of the school.

so, i have been an absent blogger this week
i really have not wanted to be.
however, every time i think about blogging
i say to myself, "but self, you have SO MUCH to catch
your readership up on
that you can't sit down and do it right now!!!"

but myself finally told myself that the longer i wait,
the crazier it is going to become
and all of a sudden you will be getting an update
complete with an olan mills photograph of an aged herb & cara
surrounded by 8 children, 32 grandchildren, and 5 great-grandbabies,
clad in denim shirt and matching visors,
and sitting in front of a backdrop painted to look like a prarie!

i just couldn't do that to you!

so here are a few updates . . .
the no tv thing is going exceptionally well -
except, for some reason, right before i sat down to blog.
at that point, i had an unexplainable urge to surf back and forth
between re-runs of Law & Order (the biggest culprit of them all!)
and Oprah (unless of course she is talking about something sad or
too saturated with the depravity of humanity - yeah, i am picky when
it comes to Oprah - she really has to be giving away Kitchen-Aid Mixers
or interviewing Rachel McAdams or giving a tour of her bedroom shoe closet
in order for me to hang with her.)

without the tv,
i am finding more time to read, take baths, do a little art, and even exercise.

the goal was to replace the tv time with
life-giving activities
and i think i have done that.

now, what i really want to do is eventually spend more of THAT time
writing - because i truly feel that deep down inside, somewhere,
i have a book that is dying to be written.

baby steps, i say.

let's see . . .
some random information
because that is what you come here for,
right?

reading: Pillars of the Earth

bathing with: Warm Vanilla Shooga' body wash
(Nat- Renee gave me some of her schwag bag! thanks!)

movies viewed: PS I Love You and Juno
(cried through the first and laughed through #2)

eating: trying (again) to re-visit the low/no sugar diet

exercising: trying to do three times a wek -
lots of dance classes @ the gym!

art: made a cool hand-made journal that i am filling here and there
with little pages like the one featured in this post;
and a scrap page or two.

Well, this was not the coolest blog entry ever
but hopefully better than nothing!

30 & 1/2

today (well, by the time i am publishing this, yesterday)
i am
30
and
one half
of a year.

so in honor of this insignificant occasion,
i am salluting the brilliance of
this girl
and this one too

i made a list of
30 things i want to do
before i turn 31 . . .

AND i got a sassy haircut last week too!
very 30 and 1/2, don't you think???

(by the way, i did not have children overnight;
the little ones mentioned here are just among
the tots and teens that seem to have found their way
into my world!)

1. fill my little art journal
2. write a letter to both grandmas
3. take a writing sabbatical
4. live on an island for a little while
5. go for a "top down" drive in the mini with herb
6. try a new recipe featuring - gasp - vegetables
7. learn to sea kayak
8. write a poem
9. submit an article for publication
10. go for a hike
11. take brittany on an adventure
12. teach sara & anna to play "crapout"
13. teach leo to sing the "dun dun dun" and "so good so good so good" parts of Sweet Caroline
14. buy a hot red dress
15. wear said hot red dress on a red hot date!
16. ride the lightrail downtown (many times)
17. go roller blading
18. lay on a blanket at the park
19. go to the lazy river
20. make Spedini for dinner
21. take herb on a super cool surprise date
22. make a piece of art for a friend for no reason
23. sing karaoke
24. visit kelly farrell
25. send flowers to someone for no reason
26. make a "100 Mile" meal (all local ingredients)
27. go to an outdoor concert or movie
28. go on a house & garden tour
29. walk down to S. Pearl St. for First Friday
30. host a block & ally party for my neighbors

haPpY NeW yeARs dAy!

i hope you had a wonderful holiday
and that you are returning to the daily
with a sense of restoration
joy
peace
and focus.

herb and i have enjoyed many days
of lounging and just being together.
it has been so nice to stay home
and just enjoy our home and each other.

i have been going back and forth
with the resolution thing.

typically, for me, these resolutions tend to be
more about finding all of the things wrong
with my life
my self
my body
my work ethic
my self-expression . . .

and less about creating a life full of
freedom
and joy
and creativity
and service to others
and being the woman god made me to be . . .

this year, i am focusing on two things:

1) taking inventory of the things i value
and trying to make sure i am intentionally
making choices every day that reflect these values.

2) saying good-bye to things that get in the way of
accomplishing goal #1. in my case, right now,
there is one major thing,
and that major thing is watching television.

SO, for the New Year,
i will not be watching TV.
for a year.
yep.
and you can guess that means
i might be blogging a little bit more.
mostly, i am sure, about not watching TV.

i am choosing not to see it as
"giving up TV",
but rather,
making space in my brain,
heart,
and calendar
to make sure that i am living a life on the outside
that reflects the life going on in the inside.


how about YOU???
what is your take on resolutions?
are you making any this year?