being a slum-lord, lohan, prayer, and lingerie

we are still cranking away over at
our sweet rental house,
“the villa on corona”.
today, i repainted the front bedroom
because, apparently dark colors
are not the only colors that require
two coats sometimes.

we still have A LOT of work to do
before they more in on the 15th of august.
i mean, A LOT A LOT!
can’t wait to learn how to install the flooring
in the bathrooms and laundry room!
stuff like that totally excites me!

i am SO proud of herb and myself!
the place looks like a completely different house!
we have both worked really hard;
pushed ourselves.
and tried to be kind and patient with each other
in the process.

when we bought it, it was dark and old and outdated.
and now it is bright and clean and beautiful.
it is a home.
and i am so happy to have
a home to offer our family of renters.

11 more days until they move in!
it is also really fun because i have been praying
for quite some time now about our need for a community
of folks to walk along side in life
and things like these friends and their children moving in
NEXT DOOR bring
sweet promise and hope of answered prayers.

other things have happened too –
like a supper club with three other couples
who all decided, “yeah, it WOULD be great to meet every other week
rather than just every 3 or 4 weeks.”

add to this the rekindling and healing of other relationships.
god continues to be good to us
even when we don’t see it.

today i stumbled across tristan prettyman's silly song about lindsay lohan while i was on this girl's fun blog.
“lindsey, you can drink the Coke
but don’t snort the coke.”
it cracks me up.
especially because we saw her in concert
about a year and a half ago,
and she really did
talk about lindsay lohan the whole time.
hilarious.

it was sort of hard to tell after listening to this song,
but she seemed to really have a bit of a celebrity crush on the lohan.
i mean, have YOU seen her in "the parent trap"?
can you blame tristan?
having seen the film myself, I submit the following:
“no, no ya can't!”

in other news,
i learned the hard way today
that unless you REALLY know the person well,
don't buy lingerie for another person.
ever.
never.

even if the invitation to her bridal shower
suggests that she wants lingerie.
if you don't know her, bring some lotion.
Bring a candle.
heck – order her a case of massage oil if you need to
feel like you are contributing to their marriage bed experience.
and I don’t
not any more than i support healthy sex in all marriages.
but i got a little excited.
and i bought some stuff.
it was sexy.
and i am afraid,
based on the look on her face,
and a little conversation i had with her,
it was a little TOO sexy.

hmmm.
i felt a little silly.
and maybe just a little slutty.
and not in a good way.
oh well.

the randoms

june and july
were sort of insane

truly
insane

which means that there was a lot to share
but not very much time in which to share it.

so, here are a few pics from the crazy 60 days
that are (finally) behind us!

over memorial day weekend
we took a little trip to milwaukee, wi
for a the wedding of herb's cousin anne

we went to the modern art museum
amazing building
decent collection

spent a little time at the
people's market - pretty cool

herb looked hot
so we did a little photo shoot





in june
my cute grandma came to town
we found out that her sister-in-law
(the only other person still alive from her husband's side of the family)
is living in colorado springs
so we took a little trip down there
it was so sweet to watch them reconnect




i rallied my office mates
and we painted our counseling room
because i wanted to vomit
instead of work
everytime i looked at the
perviously pale yellow walls

the main walls are a green-ish tan
and the accent wall is this fantastic teal
nobody went for the dark celery.
oh well, maybe at home.



at the end of june
we went to winter park to celebrate
herb's birthday
i love watching herb with these boys
they all love and "get" each other so much!!!
they have been buddies for many years now
i love that!



my sweet friend kelly
from granby, co
came through town a few times
and we got to hang



mom went to crested butte, co
for a vaca
we joined her for a few days
she saw some "july snow"
and i saw some cows




on my actual b-day
herbie put together a little happy hour
with some local friends

i am not so sure about this second picture
sort of a "my-two-dads" meets moulin rouge




a random self-photo-shoot moment



herb and i managed to still like each other
(most days)


we had some ugly kitchen carpet
at "the villa on corona"
(our lovely rental property)


but herb ripped it up
and now we don't

he is so strong and buff and manly
and unfortunately,
now he is probably
infested with aesbestos


sorry, all of you 50's kitsch lovers . . .
the stove has to go
being that it is a gas stove from the 50's
it is just too much of a liability at this point
any takers?
we're selling.



last week we had some friends come play with us
while we painted the entire upstairs of the villa on corona!



our lovely "mamma renter"


and one of her darling cuties
we are really cracking up that
our neighbor status is about to go from
having an 89 year old man
who never turned the lights on
to having three little munchkins
and their two musician, gypsy-like parents
living next door
so stinkin' fun!
we are blessed people!


and this is why we need community around us
there is no way we could have done this alone
without many tears
and our moto is
"choose beers, not tears."

all you need to know . . .

is that as i sat toward the front of the movie theatre
and craned my head back
i saw plenty of light reflecting
off of the metal emblems centered on the foreheads
of children, tweens, and teenagers alike

me: "are those people wearing headbands?"
herb: "yes. yes they are."

i kept my hand secured on herb's forearm most of the evening
to ensure that i didn't laugh outloud.
instead, i just dug my fingers into his flesh.

you also need to know that people were cheering throughout this film
we waited for the prompts of our seatmates
(who, impressively, did not take us up on our offer to sit behind them!)
before hooting or hollering.

my 15 year old friend was sweet and funny
her companion
(whom i was brashly informed "is NOT my boyfriend")
was equally sweet, funny, and charming.
and he shared his mozeralla cheese sticks with me at Red Robin.

on the way home, i told herb
"i don't know how B wouldn't like him.
i am a grown, married woman,
and i had a crush on him within 10 minutes!"

that's not weird, is it?

weird would have been if i had worn the ninja costume.
i didn't.

love is . . .

going to a movie that you would never watch on your own
nope
not in a million years
but you go
you always go
you've seen king kong
and the hulk
and ghost rider

and now she wants to see naruto
you don't care about this film
but you will go see it
and your husband will go with you
because there is a 15 year old girl
that you really love
and she really loves japanimation
and her mom won't let her
go see a movie with a boy
without an adult

so here we go
the chosen ones
wednesday night
double date with a pair of 15-year-olds
to a japanimation film

this is love

Making Blueberry Pancakes, Pretend Like It's the Weekend Nooooow. We Can Pretend it All the Time!

For all of you low-carb eaters out there, these pancakes pack in the protein and have very little sugar. We LOOOOOVE them!

Cottage Cheese Pancakes with Blueberries:
1 cup cottage cheese
4 eggs
2 Tbs canola oil
2 Tbs flour
1 container fresh blueberries

Mix all ingrediants, minus the blueberries, to a blender.
Blend until smooth.
For thicker, cheesier tasting pancakes, mix in a bowl using a hand or stand mixer.
(Count on about 15 more minutes of cook time when batter is not blended.)

Pour 1/4 cup of batter onto hot, oiled griddle or pan to make each cake.
Press some blueberries into each cake.
Once the bottom of pancake has begun to firm up, pour a little bit more batter onto each cake; just enough to cover the berries.
Turn and cook on other side.

I normally only make these on the weekend, but when I asked herb to show me how happy he was that i was making these pancakes IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK, this is the priceless face I got:

Totally worth the few extra minutes!!!

DATE NIGHT UPDATE:
The weather cooperated for us - we got some rain in the afternoon,
making the evening all the more pleasent and cool at the gardens last night!
It was so nice to just wander around and talk (or not talk) with herb.
we even smooched a little bit.
i totally don't mind public displays of affection
i actually think it is kind of romantic and fun!
then our friends dave and natalie called us to join them for a drink.
we had reservations at cafe star
so we just asked them to come along with us - which was totally fun and last minute!
great to have them and get the update on their honeymoon and first few weeks as a married couple!
i love date (and double date) nights!

My Latonya

my friend latonya never ceases to amaze me!
she is so inspiring.
her love of jesus really has soaked
into the marrow of her bones.
and then oozes out.
she makes me love him more.

stinky yoga. yummy recipes.

A) last night i went to my first "detox yoga" class.
you might know it as bikrahm or hot yoga.
I call it stinky yoga.
why?
well, 10 people in a 12x12 room set to 80 degrees
equals stinky!

but oh so good for the mind and body!

B) a few weeks ago i asked my friend rachael if i could make dinner sometimes for her family.
why?
because she is 8 months pregnant
with a 3 year old
works full time
has a husband that works full time
and he is also in school.

yeah, i am thinking they need a meal or two thrown their way.
the beautiful thing is she said YES!
she even requested certain dates that she knew she would be extra in need of the help.

i love that!
i mean, i wouldn't have asked if i didn't want to do it.
but so few people ever take me up on those kinds of offers

i appreciated the vulnerability it took rachael to accept my help.

and now for the yummy food:

The Only Sandwhich you Ever Need to Know (by cara harjes)
8 slices garlic peppercorn bakery bread
1 apple (granny smith)
1 lb. sliced deli turkey
1 round of brie cheese
olive oil

brush bread with olive oil; both sides
lightly toast bread on a pan in the broiler (watch closely so as not to burn)
place 3 slices of turkey on four pieces of bread.
top with thin slices of apple and then brie cheese.
toast again (carefully) under broiler in oven to melt the cheese.
place remaining four slices of toasted bread on top of the sandwhiches.


The Salad:

salad mixed greens
1 bosc pear
1/4 cup pecans; toasted and chopped
1 package gorganzola cheese
1/2 cup dried cranberries

The dressing:

1 cup fresh basil
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
1 cup canola oil
2- 4 cloves garlic (depending on your taste)

Mix dressing ingrediants in the blender.
Chill dressing in refridgerator.

last week i took some pictures of my beautiful friend stacy and her amazing new little bebe . . .
hutch.

i have to say,
everytime i take "real" pictures
i gain more and more respect for people
who do this professionaly.
dude - it is HARD!

but i think this handful turned out pretty well.

if you have any input (constructive) feel free to drop me an email or leave a comment.

Highlights

A few highlights from our trip . . .

* the last taco stand on the strip of restaurants on the ferry dock. we sat with the owner and his friend while we waited for our boat to arrive. the owner was right when he said he was about to serve me "the best margarita" i would have while in mexico.
* the twighlight ferry boat ride AWAY from the lights and noise of cancun . . . the warm, humid air felt so good on my skin after our long long long cold cold cold ridiculous winter!
* as we rounded a corner, we heard the shouting and laughing of hundreds of children. herb thought i was about to navigate us away from the noise and he near-panickly declared, "We have to go see what that noise is!!!!" As we crested the hill, we saw what appeared to be half of the community out cheering on the middle-school girls basketball team.
* Nightly sunset cocktails on the third story rooftop patio.
* Walking through the neighborhood where we stayed and people watching. With the tourists being mostly contained to two thouroughfares, we really enjoyed tooling around the community.
*Watching the way other cultures do such a neat job of letting family, work, and play all sort of bleed together . . . life is life. None of this compartmentalizing stuff.
* The color of the water - unbelievable! i have never seen anything like it before!
* Making an unexpected connection with another guest at the hotel we stayed at.
* Taking pictures of the early morning fishermen cleaning their catches - one of the men moved the mouth of his fish, making it "sing" to me.
* Riding bikes with herb down the coast; stopping for a fun photo shoot on a hidden strip of beach that was covered in conch shells and then drinks at a peaceful hotel with an amazing oceanside swing bar.
* Being the only non-locals at an ocean-side restaurant.
* Took a $5 cab ride to the end of the island where we snorkeled and rested in a secluded park strewn with hammocks and little niches to sit. It was so quiet we could hear a half-dozen different kinds of birds.
* The guests in our hotel got along so well that one guest initiated a dinner party on friday night. Everyone work together to make the party happen.
* Amazing mexican breakfasts every morning made by jose.
* Waking up in time to watch the sunrise from the rooftop; then taking an early morning walk with my camera down the coast.
* Buying a coconut from a man with a machette.
* Great talks with herbie.

MY DEAR FRIEND SARAH SENT THIS TODAY. IT IS A LETTER WRITTEN BY A MAN IN HER CIRCLE OF FRIENDS IN KANSAS CITY ABOUT A FAMILY IN ONE OF HIS RENTAL UNITS THAT HAS GREAT NEED. I LOVE THIS MAN'S DESIRE TO PAIR A VERBAL SHARING OF CHRIST'S LOVE WITH AN INTENTIONAL EFFORT TO MEET HER TANGIBLE PHYSICAL AND FINANCIAL NEEDS.

I DO NOT PERSONALLY KNOW JEREMY, BUT I HAVE KNOWN SARAH FOR 11 YEARS AND I TRUST HER. IF YOU WANTED TO TALK TO HER SO YOU ARE NOT JUST SENDING RESOURCES BLINDLY, I AM SURE I COULD GET YOU IN TOUCH WITH HER.

I WONDER, IF YOU LIVE IN KC, IF THERE MIGHT EVEN BE A CHANCE FOR SOME FOLKS TO GET TOGETHER TO CREATE A NETWORK OF PEOPLE AROUND THIS WOMAN WHO COULD ASSIST HER IN LEARNING LIFE SKILLS (IF APPLICABLE), FIND A BETTER PAYING JOB, RESOURCES IN HER COMMUNITY (LIKE FOOD PANTRIES, CLOTHING FOR JOB INTERVIEWS, ETC), ADVOCATE FOR HER AND HER CHILDREN, AND HELP WITH HER KIDS, ETC.

SARAH DID NOT FORWARD THE LIST JEREMY COMPILED OF NEEDS THIS WOMAN HAS, BUT I BET HE COULD GET THAT TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HELPING OUT, CALL JEREMY'S PROPERTY MANAGER, ALLEN NAY AT 816.838.8596

THANKS.
CARA

Hello guys -

It has come to my attention that one of my tenants
in my rental properties
is in one of the worst situations for a single mom
that I have ever come
across in all my dealings with poor single moms.

She is a single mom with 7 kids and is currently
living in one of my units.

I have found out about her situation by accident
because she backed her car
through the garage door of my duplex and destroyed a
lot of the front wall
of my duplex as well. Anyway.........she did $5,000
worth of damage and I
was very angry with her when I found out that she
had no renters insurance
or even car insurance (which would have covered the
damage).

Through this whole process I have found out that she
has 7 kids who are
living in some of the worst conditons that I have
ever seen for America,
other than being homeless.

My property manager has gone inside the unit and
found out that there is
NOTHING inside. No furniture, no beds, no fixtures,
nothing on walls, no
plates, no dishes - nothing. It is as if you were
moving into a completely
empty unit. The kids are sleeping on the carpet
with blankets and sleeping
bags. They have no toys, books, none of the little
items that we all take
for granted. This type of situation is almost
impossible for me to
comprehend.

She is not on section 8, but is surviving barely by
a monthly social
security check. I have wondered why she gets this
check, but people have
told me that it is probably because her spouse died,
or she is handicapped
in some way. She seems normal, other than a
completely overwhelmed poor
single mom doing her best with 7 kids.

I have forgiven all debt she owes me and have told
her that Jesus loves her
and cares about her and her situation, and her kids.
She does not know
Jesus, but I want her to see him in a very practical
way. I asked her to
compile a list of the very basic needs that would
bless her through this
holliday season and she has done so. I am attaching
this list to this
e-mail. She is not asking for the new playstation,
toys, or anything other
than basic items like beds, mattresses, and basic
living items that you or I

would not even think a moment about living without.

I am asking anyone who would like to assist in ANY
way to please donate used

items, furniture, beds, fixtures, toys, books,
grocery certificates
(anything but cash).

If you would like to do so please call my property
manager Allen Nay at
816.838.8596 cell - or home number 816.765.2125. If
you would like to make
a financial donation towards new beds, mattresses,
blankets, washer/dryer,
or anyting else, you can paypal me money to
swensonjeremy@hotmail.com and I
will apply it whatever you want to purchase.

This woman's name is Tonita, and I am attaching a
list of the names, ages,
and gender of her kids if you would like to pray for
them or buy them
specific gifts based on gender and ages. Every one
of these kids have
NOTHING and very little hope of anything for
christmas.

I have been working 75-100 hours per week for the
last three months
preparing for snow, but I am going to take the time
in the next week or so
to make sure this lady one way or another gets her
basic needs met that she
is asking for (she is not asking for much as you
will see from the list). I

would personally like to see her absolutely
overwhelmed by responses of
people who love Jesus and are willing to help out
with whatever they have
extra this Christmas season.

If you know of anyone else who may want to help,
please forward this e-mail
along to them.

Thanks,

Jeremy & Debbie Swenson

I Am An Orphan Girl

My hope is that this pursuit of Advent's meaning can become an open conversation . . . whoever you are, if you read this blog, throw in your two cents. Let's explore this together.

Todays Song . . . .

We all have a wandering place inside. It is in our souls. It has become a part of our DNA, even, I think. Really. I think that somehow, if it is possible, the results of sin (a spiritual reality) have influenced and changed our physical reality. I know this is not a new thought - but it still just kind of mesmerizes me! We are so intertwined - body, mind, and spirit. Those guys at the YMCA really knew what they were talking about!

That wandering place is different for everyone . . . but it all goes back to "the big apple caper" that I talked about yesterday. Let's not blame Eve . . . . if she didn't do it, I am sure you or I would have. That must have been SOME apple . . . no, that was some lie that she believed! She believed that God didn't really loved her - that he was not setting limits to protect her, but rather to deceive her. Oi! So she bit in . . . and now there is a breech between Him and us.

And so we wander.

Like Jacob and his tribe.

Like Moses and his stragglers.

We wander.

Even though we are connected . . . to others. Even, now, connected to God again . . .

We wander.

As we walk into these first days of Advent, I think it is only right to get in touch with that wandering side of ourselves.

The Israelites, after they entered the Promised Land, still had to wait about 400 years before the promised King would arrive. They anticipated. They yearned.
And they had been yearning for generations.
That is an entire lineage - generation upon generation - of wandering and wondering and yearning and even some disappointment.

And just like disease has found its way into human DNA, I believe that after all of those years of feeling unconnected and unfulfilled . . . first in Egypt, then the desert, and finally "safe" but waiting for a king . . . a wandering heart and a constant feeling of being lost has also made its way into our physical makeup.

So, let's not skip ahead to the elation of longing being fulfilled that comes on December 25 . . .

I think we can really appreciate his arrival more if we first get in touch with how much we long for him.

We won't know the impact of his redeeming qualities if we are not aware of what it is that needs to be redeemed.

And now, the creative therapist in me gets to ask some questions . . .

* Imagine that your "wandering orphan" lives in a part of your body. Where would your orphan be? What color are the walls there? What does the temperature feel like? What does it look like? Is there a smell? Any sound?

* What is your wanderer looking for? How would your wanderer know they have found what they are looking for?

Before I leave you with the song. . .
I found this website yesterday . . . looks like they might be writing a weekly advent meditation.
(jennifer, is this where you went to church in nashville????)


Orphan Girl
I am not sure who wrote this . . . it is sung by Gillian Welch and Emmylou Harris . . . . and others, I am sure.
I suggest you find this on iTunes . . . it is good to hear the aching in these ladies voices.

I am an orphan on God's highway
But I'll share my troubles if you go my way
I have no mother no father
No sister no brother
I am an orphan girl

I have had friendships pure and golden
But the ties of kinship I have not known them
I know no mother no father
No sister no brother
I am an orphan girl

But when He calls me I will be able
To meet my family at God's table
I'll meet my mother my father
My sister my brother
No more orphan girl

Blessed Savior make me willing
And walk beside me until I'm with them
Be my mother my father
My sister my brother
I am an orphan girl

Come Stay Awhile

Well, the guest room is complete. And later, I will post some pictures.

For now, let me share the joys of painting with a four year old . . . .

A few days ago, Herb asked if it was cool if he had a few friends over to join him in his man cave (IE: the basement on a sunny, beautiful Colorado afternoon) to watch the Wolverines play some football.

I said, "Sure".

We had a few "stop-by'ers", and one tried and true . . . our friend Russ came over with his two boys.
And stayed for five hours.

Nathan, or "Na-Na" as they call him, is two.
The NA in "Na-Na" is pronounced, nae.
Between the fact that he is two, and my theory that the entire second year of human development is just one big drunken acid trip, he is a very rambunctious boy.
Made of rubber.
Doesn't cry or whine.
Just throws himself across the room until he hits a hard surface.
His brother actually rolled over his head and he just laughed.
And is always ready to fight.
I think it is because he is twerked that they call him Na-Na.

Christopher is four.
The differences between two and four amaze me.
It is the difference between,
"I need a bobby (bottle)!!!!" and a consistent need to have your butt wiped by another human being

and

"Miss Cara, excuse me, but there is a bad guy behind you. I am just going to shoot him real quick."

After a few hours of watching the boys catapult themselves off of the couch and onto a pile of pillows and cushions, I decided to start working on the guest room.

Christopher could not have been more fascinated by this.

I pretty much felt like a celebrity.

"You're going to PAINT?!?!? NIIIIIICCCCEEE!"

Okay, first of all, I LOVE that these two little people say "dude", "nice", and "sweet". SO funny!

Second, you need to understand that Christopher has bright red hair, glasses, and yesterday - an eye patch!
I do not have words for the cuteness here.
And unfortunately, I am still learning to take decent pictures . . . plus, he kept posing with his gun, so I don't have any great photos to show you.

Christopher was convinced that helping me paint was the best way to spend the rest of the afternoon. I figured that the 20 minutes it would take me to set things up would be long enough to disinterest him and cause him to move on.

Not so.

He waited with baited breath, perched on the edge of the bed.
And sometimes standing over the unopened paint can, lunging, with the roller in hand.

Being that I might have some sort of inner-Montossori school teacher dwelling inside, I decided to let him help me. It is the same place inside that, several years ago, felt it was good idea to let the baby I nannied for feed himself . . . his mother finally asked me to stop, because, while it was "sweet to let him help", the squash and mashed pea stains were a little excessive.

Apparently convenience and cleanliness outweigh exploration and discovery.

But what do I know, I am not a mom.

Turns out, Christopher was actually quite good at painting.

And fun to paint with.

You can always count on a four year old to keep things real.
At one point, after switching places, Christopher said, "Thanks for trading, Miss Cara."
Well, you are so welcome Christopher.
Really, what a lovely thing to say.
Us grown-ups should try being sweet like that.

At one point, we heard the grown-up boys yelling at the game on TV. Christopher looked at me and said, "Miss Cara, don't you think my dad and Herb are CRAAAZZZY?!?!!?!?"

An hour later, they yelled again.

Chrisptopher, "Really, Cara, don't you think they are crazy?"

Maybe.

At one point, Christopher decided that it was a good idea to paint with the enormous rubber glove that he found in the painting box.

ME: "We are not going to paint with gloves on."
Christopher: "Yes. I can do it."
ME: "No, we are not going to paint with gloves on."
Christopher: "But I want to."

And then I had the gratification that parents who use "Parenting with Love and Logic" must feel all of the time! I can't believe this stuff works!
You give two choices.
Both of which you will be equally satisfied with if the child chooses.
Then they get to decide which one they will do.
In the end, they are happy because they think it is THEIR choice.

Suckers.

Too bad this doesn't work with bosses.
"You can either give me a year off, at double pay OR let me have an early retirement while continuing to pay me 75% of my salary."

So, I said, "You can wear the glove. That is fine. But you won't be painting. You can either wear the glove OR paint. It is your choice."

Christopher: "I am wearning the glove."

This lasted about three seconds, until he realized how boring glove-wearing alone can be.

Christopher: "No, I want to paint."

Glove off.
Reinstatement of free and effective child labor.

Score!

Eventually, after the first wall was painted, I realized that I no longer had the patience to have a four year old help. Not because he was not useful - we really should re-examine those child labor laws - but because with a four-year old comes a two-year old brother on an acid trip. Na-Na periodically decided to "help". This mostly comprised walking in the room, picking up something random and trying to dip it into paint.

SO, the guest room had to become a no-kids zone.

But later, when I was cleaning up in the laundry room, Christopher ran in, took one look at our space-age looking, front-load dryer as it spun a load of darks, and said, "NIIIICCCCEEE!!!! That's so cooool! I can SEE what the clothes are doing!"
And then, pointing to the washing machine (which was not running at the moment), "I wonder what THAT one does?"
"I wish I could be clothes, so I could spin around and around in there too!"

Christopher, I wish you could live at my house so I would have a constant flow of entertainment by a little person that actually says, "I wish I could be clothes . . . "

Seriously.

It makes you want to rent a four year old.

Attendance Record

Thanks to those of you who answered my "roll call" this weekend. It is fun to know who is out there and reading! Enjoy reading . . . because I enjoy writing it.

wise girl lori chaffer

Alone Everybody
by Lori Chaffer and Don Chaffer

i am happiest when by myself
nobody’s hurts nobody’s helps
like a gun or bullet on a shelf
alone everybody’s fine

i’ve been playing little tricks on me
it’s fascinating what i’ll believe
then in circled stitches my mind weaves
alone everybody lies

i tell myself my life is pretty easy
i take a pill if i am ever queasy
i shut the door when it gets a little breezy
but people really baffle me

so i tiptoe around because it’s easier to fake it
try not to be loud, or emotionally naked.
i’ll agree to go out with my friends, but never make it
at least i keep my evenings free

if you want to try to shift the blame
think of how hard you try and all your pain
oh, there’s one amendment to the game
alone everybody cries

i’ve been thinking i could get along
i think i’m happy, i think i’m strong
but like my cactus when it’s dry too long
alone even cacti die
alone everybody’s fine
alone everybody lies
alone everybody cries

Community

This is the lovely Latonya Still. She ranks high on my list of friends. Her beer drinking, book reading, batgamon playing hub-a-roon-dawg, Kevin Hamilton, graced me with these words a month or so ago. He thought he might have offended me, so he wrote me an email to let me know what was going on in his brain - this quickly turned into him debriefing his recent viewing of American Beauty with laninjanator and his anger and confusion about men and women and justice and feminism that followed. What he didn't realize is that as he emoted, he spoke words that I needed to hear at that very moment. It is not easy being a woman married to a man these days. And had I still been single in a few more years, we all know that my plan was to move to Tahiti to become a lesbian and own a sno-cone stand. We have so many awful examples surrounding us about how men focus on themselves, leaving the women who love them in the dust. We see this in our fathers, our pastors, our presidents. It has been hard for me to learn how to fully give my feminine self to my man of a husband. Kevin did not know this. How beautiful, when people listen to the nudging of the Spirit AND have the courage to speak boldly and truthfully into our lives . . . without fear or disclaimer. It makes a difference.

"be thankful for herb.
he is rare.
he is trying to be rare.
he does not want to be "kevin spacey" (from American Beauty)
he does not want to be twisted and tormented.
he is different in his mind.
he is trying to be.
and that is a gift to him and to you and to his community.
i love that man because there is a hope for goodness and God -
which is not our modern american man!"