going crazy

a picture from our trip to mexico
back in march
kind of wishing i was back there today
i have created some projects for myself
i put myself out there
and people have responded
and now i have so much work to do
and i am just staring at my computer
hoping it will tell me what to do next

interns are starting in two weeks
this is great
but i really want them to have a solid foundation
i want this learning experience to be organized and meaningful
intentional
i don't want to be flying by the seat of my pants
so i am working
hard
to create order
i am not so great with order

i also have some really amazing commisioned projects
due in july
more on that later
pretty weird that this is all happening at once

you can't help but smile

from the girl who should not be allow to blog after 7:30 pm

it woke up.
right now.
well, a few minutes ago.
around 10:45.
after a bath and taking my evening pills.
after snuggeling with herb.
after the light went out . . . for the third time.
as my tall and broad and always warm husband drifted off,
i felt another presense with me.

next to me.

not snuggled up like herb, but rather tugging and prodding.
a presense much stronger and much warmer.
it breaths the hot yummy-stink of creativity . . .
you know what i mean?
it is kind of like "sexy-ugly" or the smell of grass or gasoline.

anyway, it hummed this tune under it's intoxicating breath . . .
the hope of possibility.

full of ability dying to burst through the seams of your neatly croched socks.
ripping out of the bounds of something created to keep me warm and safe.
it is uncaring.
unwilling to take excuses.
it doesn't even have to seduce me before i am slinking out of my bed and following the heat within my own heart into the office to discover any number of endless possibilites.

books, talks at conferences, retreats, photography, a line of fun girly cards, a line of wedding invitations . . .

they all clang about in my head.
and then i see a book (not hard to do in our house) or a photo or a painting . . . .

and i stop.

because somebody already did it.
they don't need you.
the world doesn't need you to do what anyone else can do and what hundrads who are far more brave than you have already done.
and done well.

so i slink away.

but not this time.

you see, i have another pal.
even stronger than creativity.

so here i sit.
me and curiosity.
very interested in what god might possibly do through and in and around this girl.

There Are Others

This is a piece in our new art museum addition.
I told herb that if i was in the third grade again, i would have felt like seeing this huge striped canvas was a sign that i was not alone in the world . . . . it would have meant that there were others out there beyond the windows of my mom's station wagon that were also tired of trying so hard to pay attention in school and being bad at sports and pressed ham on white bread for lunch everyday.

It meant that one day i could be glamorous and silly and wild and free.
Oh, and eat McDonalds Chicken Nuggets whenever I felt like it!

It meant that there were people that would say, "If you want to paint big flowers on your bedroom wall, let's make that happen!" "If you want to wear striped leggings with plaid boxer shorts over them to school, go for it - you will not be mocked or chided in any way!" "Sure, it makes sense that when you lay on the edge of the couch in the living room with your head hanging off the edge that you could spend hours contemplating what life would be like if we had to live on the ceiling." "Go ahead and throw a little temper tantrum if somebody is mean to you just because you tend to be a little backwards . . . they are a bunch of boring jerks who will grow up to work in middle management! When you are done crying we will go throw eggs at them!"

So, here's to you Mr. "Big Striped Canvas For Absolutetly No Good Reason Other Than You Felt Like It" Painting Guy!