Speech Bubbles

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes
It snows.
For weeks on end.
And you're are not used to that.
Because even though you live in Colorado
It doesn't really snow that much in Denver
At least not THAT much.

And your body hurts.
All the time.
Because let's face it . . .
You are sick.
And that makes you sicker.
But it is true.

You have lots of little infections
that somehow jumped into your body.
It isn't your fault really . . .
I mean, who gets Lead Poisoning and Lyme Disease on PURPOSE?
Nobody.
That's who.

There I said it.
Did you catch that?
I ever so subtly slipped in two of my little illnesses.

I walk through life . . .
sometimes behaving like I'm sick . . .
because I AM sick . . .
but pretending that I'm not . . .
because I don't want to be sick.

But sometimes you turn 25 and you get tired
and your body aches
and you don't want to return any of your phone calls
even to your friends
and you can't think clearly anymore
not like you used to.
you're brain feels foggy and murky.
and you are certain you have a brain tumor.
and you tell your sister this while hiking through the mountains
even though you should probably be sipping tea somewhere
but you won't
no, not for at least two or three more years.
because you just won't slow down.
why would you?

you continue to work your crazy therapy job
dealing with clients you are not yet qualified to deal with
in the name of "helping the underdog"
by providing inexpensive therapy. . .
and because you are too tired to research your options
and find another job.
but that doesn't strike you as odd.
you just assume everyone is too tired to find another job
even though they are exhausted.

and on the weekends,
you babysit to pay for your high-rollin' lifestyle
that requires things like
paying rent on time
and gas for your car
and eating.
you know, luxuries.
things that your $12/hr with a master's degree won't pay for.
and you don't mind.
sure a bigger paycheck would be nice, but you just figure this is all a part of life.

clearly, you are making really good choices for your life at this point.

and sometimes your digress.
because you have a brain tumor . . .

ANYWAY, you tell your sister about this brain tumor
as your hike through the forest.
because it couldn't be anything else.
i mean, when did you have to start pausing between words
because you can't think of the next one?
clearly, the word-chooser-part of your brain is broken.
with a tumor.
and your sister . . .
oh, she teases you.
endlessly.
because sometimes that is just what sisters do . . .

so you have this "tumor" and it is really too bad
because
you used to be so smart
and you don't feel smart anymore
and you can't pick out the words that you are grasping for
and you used to have such a nice vocabulary.

So you do what any exhaustsed, worn out individual would do:
you start a book group to reclaim your vocabulary!
And you just chalk it all up to being a little misplaced
and even a little depressed
from finishing graduate school
and turning 25
and all of a sudden being an adult for the first time in your life.

But that was almost five years ago.

Turns out somewhere along the line
you must have eaten paint chips
and forgotten about it.

Note to self:
Don't eat anymore paint chips.

And sometimes
even if you weren't sick
you DO just feel a little depressed
and that's okay
you aren't apologetic about that.

i mean come on . . .
you are a Christian so you know
this was NOT the life we were designed to live . . .
at least not ALL of the life we were designed to live.
and that IS depressing.
it SHOULDN'T feel "right".

But even though sometimes your are okay with being depressed,
Sometimes, it makes you even more depressed.
And sometimes, you even start to despise yourself for it a little bit.
Okay, a lot of bit.

And sometimes you know
That all of this crap that you are and that you feel
Is not real
It is not true
Sometimes you know that it is all a veil.
It is covering something that is more real.
Things like joy and kindness peak out from random corners and dark crevices.
Creative things pour out of your brain and your mouth.
And you know there is more.

And sometimes that depresses you because you can't seem to grasp the "more"
But sometimes
It brings just enough hope.

And then
Sometimes.
Just sometimes,
After the ground has been covered in snow for a full month,
You look outside of your window
For no reason at all
And you see
Grass.
Flat, tired, wilty green-ish grass.
But grass none the less.
And you cry.
Because you had forgotten that
While the snow may come . . .
While it might pile itself real high up all around you . . .
It melts.
And there is grass beneath it.


(*a fun song recommendation for today . . . well, okay, not fun . . . actually kind of melodramatic . . . but quite insightful and clever and sometimes, if you are feeling overwhelemed by a month's worth of snow . . . very comforting . . . because somebody else feels that way too . . . check it out!)

By the way . . . the song isn't really about snow or february or wood chopping or flower bulbs . . . . and neither was this post.

Little Booger

For just a moment, I thought I would go back to the original theme of this blog . . . the thoughts that whirl through the mind of a newlywed.

This is a picture of my cousin's little girl, Aly.
Three and a half years old.
Six hours togehter.
And this is the best picture I could get of her.
Honestly.
Finger up the nose.

Here we are 14 months into this thing and as I think about having our own children, I am suprised at my mixed bag of emotions. There are moments when I am ready to have a big fat belly and the impending 25 years of obligation . . . I always thought I would be ready to start our family at the obligitary two year mark . . . but most moments . . . when I am feeling most sane . . . I can't imagine that!

We still have so much to learn and so many ways to grow before we throw little ones into the mix. Really, it wouldn't be fair: "Sorry little Johnnie, you will have to wait for your breastfeeding until mommy is not pissed at daddy anymore . . . I would hate for all of these angry hormones to get passed over to you through my breast milk." I mean truly, can you imagine! Naming a newborn baby "Johnnie"! I just couldn't do it!

The truth is, we actually don't fight the way we did during our first year of marriage. We have made a lot of movement and growth. But I just can't imagine the energy it would take.

I think we drained all of that kind of energy from each other during the days of "Mine! MINE!!! MINE!!!!!" "That's my way of doing things . . . those are my issues that your are pushing! That's MY set of dishes that I never cared about before but I will not give them up because of you! They are mine!"

We certainly didn't need kids around here, we already had two big babies! And now, we are toddlers . . . not much better. I suppose once we make it past the third grade phase of "ooooh, girls are gross!", we might be able to consider it.

I'm Over It

It is snowing.
Again.
For the third time
in three weeks.

I am researching cheap flights to Mexico.
Heck - we have miles - we could just fly for free.

Maybe when we get back this will have all melted.

Probably not.
I have to come back before MARCH!

In other news . . .

I finally got over my "artists block" with the painting I am doing . . .
Who would have guessed that wandering into Paper Talk to get invites for Aly's "baby shower" would help me over the hump . . . but it is amazing what a new pack of the most perfect black and white polka-dotted tissue paper . . . mixed with a funny conversation with a self-proclaimed co-dependant gay man . . . will do for a girl! I am grateful.

I have been thinking about goals for this next year . . . still have not figured that all out yet. But certainly am realizing that my life is really different than it was a year and a half ago and I have a lot of room to play with my creativity - but with that freedom comes the flip side . . . a lack of structure and expectation. So, I must figure out a groove with finding my own set of goals and structure.

Life is good.
Now, if I could just remember that!!!!

I was listening to "Cecilia" this morning and chuckled as I remembered that it was not that long ago that I realized that Paul Simon was the Simon of Simon & Garfunkle. Funny.

I am also really enjoying Regina Spektor (especially On the Radio) . . . and the Grey's Anatomy Season One Soundtrack . . . especially the last 5 or 6 songs.

I have been talking to Kelly Jackson a lot lately . . . three times in one week - lucky girl am I! Grateful for her too . . . so that makes tissue paper, a gay wedding planner, and Kelly on my gratitude list so far . . .

And herb. I am grateful for herb. He has been playing out of the box with me lately . . . and I appreciate that a lot! We went sledding! So much fun. I have not been sledding in about 7 years! And then, for New Years, we stayed in an made homemade sausage. Yep. That's right. We are trying out new family traditions . . . that are just ours. We really are liking this one! It is just quirky and funny and odd enough . . . But then we had people over the next day for football, lounging and sausage . . . so, really, that helped normalize it a bit. Next year, Sausage Fest 2007! Herb is already thinking about T-shirt designs . . . get excited!

All right . . . back to my canvas.

Overkill

So, at the risk of Kelli Gambee having an anurism from all of this scrapbook stuff, and refusing to ever read my blog again . . . here are a few more pages . . .

What I Have Been Doing . . .

Snow storms are way fun . . .
snow shoeing through the streets . . .
snuggeling with my honey . . .
drinking hot chocolate . . .

and . . .
apparently . . .
to my dismay . . .
and very different than what I would have been doing 6 months ago . . .
now, granted 6 months ago it was the middle of the summer and there would be no blizzards . . .
and I would be at the lazy river . . .

but I am just saying . . .
6 months ago . . .
never would have guessed . . .
that I would be a . . .

a scrapbooker . . .

What I Have Been Doing . . .

Snow storms are way fun . . .
snow shoeing through the streets . . .
snuggeling with my honey . . .
drinking hot chocolate . . .

and . . .
apparently . . .
to my dismay . . .
and very different than what I would have been doing 6 months ago . . .
now, granted 6 months ago it was the middle of the summer and there would be no blizzards . . .
and I would be at the lazy river . . .

but I am just saying . . .
6 months ago . . .
never would have guessed . . .
that I would be a . . .

a scrapbooker . . .