have you ever . . .

had one of those kinds of days?
or weeks?

it is not a bad mood really.
it is not sad.
it is not upset, even.

just sort of . . .
wander-y
and lost.

last week i literally heard myself say
out loud
"i feel so lost.
what am i doing?"

it is an odd feeling
but when i can get my head
out of the oddness of it
for just a minute
i realize that it means there is movement
there is change.

a year ago, i would not have felt these things.
that face i posted would have been
angry
or rage-y
or angst-y
or sad.

it would have been desperate
and lonely
and out of fight.

but i am out of that place now
and i don't feel sad or rage-y or angst-y.
my life does not feel like it is crumbling apart
and i feel the need to have roof-mounted guns
on my nissan murano
much much
much less frequently.
like, once, maybe twice a week.
that's pretty good, i would say!

i suppose i feel like a brand-new middle schooler, in a way.
they have conquered elementary school -
all of it -
and now they have moved on to the next thing
because they are ready
and they are prepared
and they are finished with learning
the things they need to learn
in elementary school.
and because it would be terribly embarrassing
for a 17 year old to be hanging out in the 5th grade.
in other words,
sometimes, things just HAVE to move along.

but when we move along,
even if we are ready
and even if it is crucial
in achieving the goal of not being the world's oldest
student in the D.A.R.E. program,
it does not mean that it is easy.

in fact, most 6th graders would gladly go back
to the 5th grade at first.

and that is because they know bupkiss about being 6th graders.

so here i am
in a healthy marriage
finally
and i am lost.

because so far, i have had very little experience
being a healthy woman
in a healthy marriage.

and it is so so very good that i am here.
but i would sure appreciate it if a nice,
nerdy, approachable 8th grade honor student
would give me a tour of the school.