11.25.2008

experimenting with joy: part ii

it is really difficult for me to let people take care of me. i might allow someone to do something i don't want to do. herb knows this to be true. all of the gold stars next to his name, earned for laundry folding and trash-taking-out, can testify. but that is really more laziness than anything else. i am talking about really being honest with someone about a need that you have. and then allowing them to really do something about it.

as a therapist, you would think i could see the value in allowing another to walk alongside me. after all, i make a living by doing that for others. apparently i (and my clients) believe that there is something valuable in allowing another to know your pain and do what they can to help.

it may have something to do with being embarrassed. or nervous. nervous that if i am totally honest about my stuff, that people will judge. and nervous that if i ask for help, and really allow the other to put themselves aside long enough to help me . . . in exchange for helping me . . . that they will in turn resent me.

i know, for a therapist, i am flush with issues.

this is both
accurate
and
old
news.

but on sunday, for whatever reason, i allowed my friend kelly to respond to my weakness. she, like all of you, knows that i am supposed to be resting my body as much as possible. but what she also knows about me is that i am more likely to keep tromping along like nothing is wrong with me, so as not to be judged as being weak, or more likely, a drama queen. but she decided, on sunday, to give me what i needed. and that was a day of doing nothing. we spent hours on our respective couches. reading and watching movies. mostly watching movies. i did not even feel moderately compelled to get up from the couch when she started cooking lunch. not because i am lazy, but because i knew that the doctor wants me off of me feet as much as possible. and i know that kelly can handle making lunch for me, without my help, without so much as judging me or feeling resentful.

it was surprisingly easy. and i was really happy to have experimented with living honestly out of my needs and weaknesses. it felt authentic and true. and later that evening, around 7 pm, when we finally emerged from the pit of pajamas and films, i felt whole, well, rested, present and peaceful. i was funnier at the dinner party we attended than i have been in months.

it was like i was being rewarded for honoring myself by getting to see more of my true self emerge.

2 Comments:

Blogger angela said...

your words really resonate with me today. i, to, fear many of the responses you wrote. thanks for the cyber-boost:)

10:04 AM, November 26, 2008  
Blogger Melanie said...

you know, i started reading this last week, and i believe i was pulled away by a child. but i'm glad i came back to it.

it really can be hard to just be, and to let people take care of us, but i'm glad you let kelly do so.

xo

6:56 PM, December 04, 2008  

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