6.14.2006

Maybe Not

My friend Libby has decided to take a ride on the Change Train this summer. Her Change Train is on a non-stop route; destination unknown. The conductor is a scary, tatoo clad personal trainer. To hear her describe this vehicle makes me think of the scary boat ride on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I always had to close my eyes during that part of the movie. And if the Change Train at all resembles the boat, then my response is the same. I don't mind adventure. Nor do I resist new things (with the exception of course, of sushi. and now that i have mentioned sushi, i fear that any comments i receive will be about how i am missing out on God's favorite food. let's try to stay focused, people!).

But real change. The kind that causes you to forgive, let go, make new habits, believe in God at a new level . . . you will always find me covering my eyes and rocking back and forth at the mere suggestion. And with the exception of the promise of "ridiculous fun" and viewings of "Sex and the City" reruns on DVD, I want nothing to do with Libby's change train.

The funny thing is that I have spent my whole life held captive by the belief that I need to change. I want to change. Sometimes I am so immersed in self-disgust that all I want to do is change. I have spent hours dissecting myself with the hope of finding the cancer that has caused such disdain for myself. But I can't find it. Maybe my biggest problem is that I won't accept that there is a blood coursing through my spiritual veins that ripped the cancer from me years ago. Maybe the root of my sickness is my obsession with needing to be broken.

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7 Comments:

Blogger peanutgallery said...

Just a clarification, I am the conductor of the change train. I determine the route and the cars that are added/deleted. Tattoo clad personal trainer is simply a car.

And whatever vehicle you find yourself driving, I hope you find a renewed exhiliration on your diagnosis of complete remission.

1:02 PM, June 14, 2006  
Blogger denverherbie said...

Where is the line between "sinner" and "redeemed by the blood of the lamb"... or is there even a line? How are we both?

ps - my wife is awesome!

5:11 PM, June 14, 2006  
Blogger denverherbie said...

I know Cara said to stay focused, but seriously, let me tell you about her and asparagus... :)

5:13 PM, June 14, 2006  
Blogger Lolita said...

ooh sex & the city.

mmmm sushi!

what is this post about? ;) love you cara!

9:42 PM, June 14, 2006  
Blogger Jennifer Coomer said...

a) we have to talk about the sushi thing. i can help you find a good starting point so it's not so scary. then you can enjoy little bits of heaven. may be one of form of the manna God gave to his children. but we can discuss this later.

b) oh my good mother of kelly clarkson i do think we are living some kind of parallel lives with our green mini iPods. i am struggling with change in big ways right now. changes to my environment, surroundings. changes I need to make in myself. changes I need to make out of myself. changes in relationships. things I want to cut out of myself but have no idea how to get started so I just want to keep putting band-aids on top of the wound. and maybe one day I’ll allow God to heal the wound…even though I know it’s going to hurt like a mother.

8:54 AM, June 15, 2006  
Blogger Cara said...

jennifer: word. double word.

herb: stop calling me a sinner

libs: i know understand the role of tatto clab PT

lolita: just a few more months until you can enjoy sushi again!

9:44 AM, June 15, 2006  
Blogger Cara said...

revise:
libs: i NOW understand the role of the tatto CLAD PT

note to self: stop doing drugs before noon

9:45 AM, June 15, 2006  

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