Marriage: A Tool for the Depraved? VOL. 4

During a post-wedding meeting with our counselor & wedding officiant, Jim gave Herb the "mark my words and remember this moment forever because I am about to give you one of the four or five pieces of wisdom that will actually make a difference in your life and your marriage" look. It is a look I have seen Jim give others. Once, he actually took a kid by one shoulder and said, "I am touching you and looking you strangely in the eye so that you always always remember what I am about to tell you . . ." I have no idea what he said to that kid, but I do remember what he said to Herb that day. "Herb, it is your responsibility to treat her kindly. When you make yourself a safe person for Cara, you will see things come out of this woman that you never thought possible!" Or something like that.

Could it be, that what Jim was talking about was leadership? Real deal, tough, humble leadership stuff? The stuff Paul was talking about in all of that submission junk. Here is the deal: it is not pretty and it might even make me look weak. It will offend some and disgust others. I think I am okay with that.

In short, I am weaker than Herb. And more impressionable. I cry easily and I fight quickly. I am provoked by an odd glance or a joke gone wrong. And when I go, I go hard. At the risk of ducking responsibility, where Herb leads, I follow.
When Herb decides to let the echo of Jim's words be prescriptive in his relationship with me, something changes. When he chooses to be kind and patient, I am a different person. His patience with my airhead ways does not enable me to continue to be an airhead; it shifts the energy from both of us being pissed that I am an airhead and gives me the ability to focus on fixing the problem. Because he has created a safe place in which I can change; in which I have a partner who wants the best for me. His service softens me. His kindness brings me to life. I feel safe. I feel like I can be myself. I make jokes and I don't hold my breath out of fear of being teased. I may be teased but I don't respond to it from a fighting stance. Because I know I am loved. And I don't have to defend myself against love. I make mistakes and I know I will be supported. And then I relax. And then I reach out to him. And I become kinder, more peaceful. I become at ease. I serve and I love. I begin to honor and respect. And I thrive. And when I thrive, he thrives.