3.26.2006

confessions of a blushing bride


sometimes i am afraid that if i don't know everything that is happening at all times and the purpose and reason behind it all that i will loose control and get hurt.
sometimes i get really scared that i will screw up my marriage because i am raw and immature and filled with piss & vinegar.
sometimes i am mean to herb because i want to be the stronger one. i want to dominate. the bible said it would happen. and it does.
sometimes i am sad that i will never go on another first date again.
and sometimes i am so thankful that i will never go on another first date again.
sometimes i look around my home and feel so thankful for all the warmth here.
sometimes i forget he loves me.
sometimes i want to have sex.
and sometimes i would rather read a max lucado book while sitting in a dentist's chair, listening to kenny g.
sometimes i stare at the diamonds on my finger.
sometimes i forget to assume the best about him.
sometimes i love knowing that if i don't cook dinner, he wouldn't have such a delicious meal.
sometimes i jump up and down and growl and wave my hands above my head because i can't find the words.
sometimes i look in his eyes and see the real man. and i love him.
sometimes i need to be called on my stuff.
and sometimes i just need to be called "lovely".
sometimes it is really hard to be married.
sometimes i want to pack my bags and head to portugal. not to get rid of herb, but just to know that i can do whatever i want whenever i want.
sometimes i am sad that i can't do whatever i want whenever i want.
and then sometimes i remember that what i used to long for was a partner to make decisions with - together.
sometimes i feel like i was voted out of the cool club when i got married.
sometimes i think i am crazy.
sometimes i feel really really undeniably filled with joy and peace.
sometimes i am still angry that my wedding flowers were not the way i envisioned them. i specifically said no light pink.
sometimes i am angry at myself for still thinking about my wedding flowers.
sometimes i want babies.
sometimes i don't. ever. never.
sometimes i do again.
sometimes this all transpires within five minutes.
sometimes i feel fat.
sometimes i don't.
sometimes i really need my man.
sometimes i still look at wedding web sites and magazines.
sometimes i forget to take my birth control pill.
sometimes i love being a wife.
sometimes i am volatile and hard to live with.
sometimes i put lipstick on before herb get's home even though that seems like a 50's housewife thing to do.
sometimes i realize that at the end of the day, my God loves me in it all and despite it all.

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6 Comments:

Blogger the hamster said...

portugal? dawg, utah is beautiful.

1:36 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger Cara said...

portugal, utah . . . it is all the same when you are operating like a two year old. sometimes you just want what you want when you want it even if you don't ACTUALLY want it. you know? maybe you don't. you and the latonyanator seem to have an unusually easy time being married. ahhh, to be as evolved as my sweet K & L Still.

5:26 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger A&M Brock said...

Cara,
You don't know me, but I followed the links from Kevin's blog to yours on a bored moment and I have to say I'm glad I did.
That was the most beautiful and true ode of the newly married bride I have ever heard.
What you have described is my every thought that I didn't know I had.
Thanks,
Mrs. Ashley Brock

8:29 PM, March 30, 2006  
Blogger Cara said...

ashley,
thank you for the encouraging words. it is fun to put my heart out there into the black void of the internet . . . but sometimes i like hearing that people resonate. so thanks for that.
which of the two blogs under your profile name is yours. or maybe you both write in both blogs? secondly, a friend of mine is moving (back) to NZ with her husband soon to work with campus crusade. she was there for 18 months back in 2002-2003. maybe if you are living close to where they will be and are interested in having new friends . . . i could connect you with her.

9:06 AM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger A&M Brock said...

Thanks Cara!
Well, actually both blogs are my husband's, which I comment on periodically. Our New Zealand one is pretty much the only one that he updates regularly.
Where is your friend moving to? If it is near Wellington(where we live) I'd love to meet them!

1:51 AM, April 02, 2006  
Blogger jessica joy said...

wow. great job and sharing the deepest of the deep. i appreciate knowing you and your heart.

2:59 PM, April 03, 2006  

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