4.10.2008

on the practice of human consumption

she caught my eye from across the room.
in that oxy-moronic kind of loud whisper she said,
"you are totally analyzing EVERYONE, aren't you?"

from the other side of the apartment, filled with people i didn't know,
she nailed me.
she was a newer friend -
we had only met a year or two previously when i moved to denver -
but she sure did seem to understood how i operate in the world.

it wasn't just because i was a counseling student,
though that was part of it, i'm sure.
it was the way that i am in a group.
the way that i take in people
chew them up
digest them.
the way i taste them
but i don't always serve up heaping spoonfuls
of
myself.

with the advent of blogs and online communities
it is becoming more and more clear
that i have an appetite for those i don't know.
i like to figure them out
and glamorize them.
i like to imagine their world.
if i am honest,
perhaps it is not so much their world i am imagining,
but rather the world i might like to have as my own.

people talk about stalking blogs.
this is, i believe, the act of reading a person's blog
but never commenting
never interacting
responding
engaging.
never
revealing
your
self.

i don't stalk for long.
for that would imply watching
without taking any action.

i either move along,
bored with what i have found,
not seeing the value,
not seeing the person.
but seeing that it cannot fill me.

or i indulge.
i gorge.
i eat it all up,
longing for it to fill the deepest of hunger pangs.

as a turkey sandwhich tastes so different
so much more gratifying
so much more full of flavor
when eaten on the way up a long, steep mountain path,
so does the information of a person's life taste
when i know
that i don't ever have to been known by them.
not just that,
but i do not have to give anything.
all i have to do is take
freely
and
often.

and i do not give myself to them.
and really, i do not give myself to myself.
it is hard to live your own life
when you are so very busy
digesting the life
of someone else.

8 Comments:

Blogger Casey said...

All I can say is, wow. I admire your honesty (and I wish I liked in your area to take your class!)

10:27 AM, April 14, 2008  
Blogger Lisa said...

Very nice read. I'm an analyzer as well :)

11:08 AM, April 14, 2008  
Blogger Lori said...

Love what you have to say!!

12:05 PM, April 14, 2008  
Blogger maz said...

But you DO give... look what you've just written! That's the most thought provoking post I've read on my blog travels today... including my own! DOn't be too hard on yourself- I think you're OK.

1:35 PM, April 14, 2008  
Blogger julochka said...

"it is hard to live your own life
when you are so very busy
digesting the life
of someone else."

true, so true. and it's exactly why i need to go on an internet diet...

enjoyed this post very much. :-)

4:23 AM, April 15, 2008  
Blogger RachelDenbow said...

Mmm...I love your words.

11:04 AM, April 16, 2008  
Blogger emily said...

i really liked reading this...you're clearly a writer.

anyways...i loved your comment on my blog...you are funny!
thanks again girl :)
emily

6:18 AM, April 17, 2008  
Blogger Kelly said...

Hi Cara,
You mentioned stalking blogs...although I've read your blog for about a year, it never occurred to me that I was a blog stalker! So, this is me not being a stalker anymore =] Thanks for the motivation. I don't think we've ever met, but we happen to know a lot of the same people...I knew your sister Amy at Truman, she was good friends with my roommate of 3 years, Lauren. Another coincidence, my husband and I lived in Denver (Westminster, really) until May of last year when we moved to Houston. Small world. Anyway, I love reading your blog! Thanks!

Kelly

8:14 PM, April 17, 2008  

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