you wanna hear the skinny?

(happy skinny cara - circa november 4, 2006)

well, here we go . . .

when i was in ninth grade,
i had my thighs grabbed by a boy.
i was wearing fantastic black & white
houndstooth leggings
and a black & white color block top
(it was 1991, please give me a break).

in the middle of freshman science,
damien approached me
with a comment about my jello thighs
and the proceeded to grab them.

that was the first time i was aware of my body.
and all of a sudden,
it was not good enough.

at 5'6" and 125-30 pounds,
i was bigger than most girls my age.
if i had waited for a few years,
everyone would have caught up.
that shape and size would have been just right.

instead, i started buying into the idea that my body
was not good enough.

my mom, in effort to support me
and help me learn how to eat right,
took me to Weight Watchers.

she has since apologized for this,
acknowledging that i was too young
and that it started me down a bad path
and that it communicated that i was not
good enough just the way i was.
(i have seen pictures of myself in swimsuits from this era -
believe me - i would kill to look like that!!! i was JUST FINE.)

but this was the beginning of years of dieting.

i never got into eating disorder territory,
but i did wake up every morning wondering
my freshman year in college,
"what will i do today that is going to make me even bigger?
i totally don't know how to take care of myself
and i will ruin it yet again today."

it was sad.

eventually, i stopped caring.
stopped dieting.
in effort to communicate to myself
that i was OKAY and didn't need to change a thing,
i ate whatever i wanted.
i put on weight.

but i never stopped wanting to feel better
about how i looked
and how i felt.

two years ago,
in an effort to curb some of my brain fog
and chronic fatigue,
i made a drastic change in diet.
i had been diagnosed with candida
which is essentially a massive yeast overgrowth
in the gut
that is caused my way too much sugar.

so i stopped eating anything that would
cause yeast to grow.
no sugar.
no wheat.
very little dairy.
minimum amounts of alcohol.

it was very strict.
but i figured out how to do it well
and still enjoy eating.
flank steak,
guacamole,
brown rice,
fistfulls of almonds
that began to taste as sweet as honey,
as i was weaning my body off of sugar.

i lost buckets of weight.
it just melted off.
in 8 weeks, i lost around 25 pounds.

the reason i was able to do it?
because i was not trying to loose weight.
i didn't have my brain
or my self-sabotage unit
to stand in my way.

the bonus?
i felt and looked great!

but as soon as the prescribed three month diet ended,
i went back to my old ways.
and to my old weight.

for less than one year, i enjoyed being skinny.
i was 150 pounds and i felt so good!
i bought a red bikini
and wore it on vacation in mexico with herb.
i was out of my size 14's that i bought
the previous year
because literally none of my clothes would fit,
and back in my size 12 jeans
(the size i seem to be - from 130-165 pounds,
i almost always fit into size 12 jeans)
and i felt amazing!
it was SO FUN!

so here i am.
in less than a year, i gained back 25 pounds
and one or two extra friends that they brought along.
i am pushing 180.
and the thought of getting pregnant in the next year or two
is a little scary.

i have tried to go back to the candida diet.
but knowing that i am doing it for weight loss trips me up.
i just can't do it.

so, i am doing something i never thought i would.
i am going back to where it all started.
today, i joined Weigh Watchers.
and instead of doing it with the attitude of,
"i have to do this because i am not good enough the way i am."
i am going to approach it like this,
"because i am totally worth
being healthy,
looking great,
feeling good,
and frankly,
being damn hot
enough to get back into that red bikini that i love so much,
i am doing this!"

so, who's in?
let's try and loose 10% of our body weight by christmas!
are you with me?
(for me, that is around 18 pounds - only about 1 pound a week - totally doable!)