you wanna hear the skinny?

(happy skinny cara - circa november 4, 2006)

well, here we go . . .

when i was in ninth grade,
i had my thighs grabbed by a boy.
i was wearing fantastic black & white
houndstooth leggings
and a black & white color block top
(it was 1991, please give me a break).

in the middle of freshman science,
damien approached me
with a comment about my jello thighs
and the proceeded to grab them.

that was the first time i was aware of my body.
and all of a sudden,
it was not good enough.

at 5'6" and 125-30 pounds,
i was bigger than most girls my age.
if i had waited for a few years,
everyone would have caught up.
that shape and size would have been just right.

instead, i started buying into the idea that my body
was not good enough.

my mom, in effort to support me
and help me learn how to eat right,
took me to Weight Watchers.

she has since apologized for this,
acknowledging that i was too young
and that it started me down a bad path
and that it communicated that i was not
good enough just the way i was.
(i have seen pictures of myself in swimsuits from this era -
believe me - i would kill to look like that!!! i was JUST FINE.)

but this was the beginning of years of dieting.

i never got into eating disorder territory,
but i did wake up every morning wondering
my freshman year in college,
"what will i do today that is going to make me even bigger?
i totally don't know how to take care of myself
and i will ruin it yet again today."

it was sad.

eventually, i stopped caring.
stopped dieting.
in effort to communicate to myself
that i was OKAY and didn't need to change a thing,
i ate whatever i wanted.
i put on weight.

but i never stopped wanting to feel better
about how i looked
and how i felt.

two years ago,
in an effort to curb some of my brain fog
and chronic fatigue,
i made a drastic change in diet.
i had been diagnosed with candida
which is essentially a massive yeast overgrowth
in the gut
that is caused my way too much sugar.

so i stopped eating anything that would
cause yeast to grow.
no sugar.
no wheat.
very little dairy.
minimum amounts of alcohol.

it was very strict.
but i figured out how to do it well
and still enjoy eating.
flank steak,
brown rice,
fistfulls of almonds
that began to taste as sweet as honey,
as i was weaning my body off of sugar.

i lost buckets of weight.
it just melted off.
in 8 weeks, i lost around 25 pounds.

the reason i was able to do it?
because i was not trying to loose weight.
i didn't have my brain
or my self-sabotage unit
to stand in my way.

the bonus?
i felt and looked great!

but as soon as the prescribed three month diet ended,
i went back to my old ways.
and to my old weight.

for less than one year, i enjoyed being skinny.
i was 150 pounds and i felt so good!
i bought a red bikini
and wore it on vacation in mexico with herb.
i was out of my size 14's that i bought
the previous year
because literally none of my clothes would fit,
and back in my size 12 jeans
(the size i seem to be - from 130-165 pounds,
i almost always fit into size 12 jeans)
and i felt amazing!
it was SO FUN!

so here i am.
in less than a year, i gained back 25 pounds
and one or two extra friends that they brought along.
i am pushing 180.
and the thought of getting pregnant in the next year or two
is a little scary.

i have tried to go back to the candida diet.
but knowing that i am doing it for weight loss trips me up.
i just can't do it.

so, i am doing something i never thought i would.
i am going back to where it all started.
today, i joined Weigh Watchers.
and instead of doing it with the attitude of,
"i have to do this because i am not good enough the way i am."
i am going to approach it like this,
"because i am totally worth
being healthy,

looking great,

feeling good,
and frankly,

being damn hot
enough to get back into that red bikini that i love so much,
i am doing this!"

so, who's in?
let's try and loose 10% of our body weight by christmas!
are you with me?
(for me, that is around 18 pounds - only about 1 pound a week - totally doable!)


Blogger Melanie said...

not me, but i'll be rootin for ya! i burned my scale. LOL but i've been buying smaller jeans, so i'm happy about that.

i SHOULD cut back on sugar, if only i didn't like it so much.

ok, this post is not helping. i'm a bad influence. actually all i eat is veggies and almonds. and i only drink water. and tea. cleansing tea.

you're awesome. you can do it.

3:53 PM, September 10, 2008  
Blogger Jodie Allen said...

you can do it! i would join you if only i wasn't nursing and starving all day! and not that this is true for everyone, but I always ended up thinner after pregnancy than before! :)

talk to me in 6 months or so and I'll be done nursing, still eating all the time and in need of a major change!

good luck! i have complete faith!

5:00 PM, September 10, 2008  
Blogger Jamie LeeAnn said...

I love reading your blog! I am sooo with you!!!! I have had struggles for years and now that my youngest is almost four, I'm thinking I can't say that it's still "baby weight", lol. It's time for change. I've been saying that since the beginning of September. Well for a really long time but very seriously since the beginning of September. I've debated about going back to Weight Watchers. I need somebody to kick my butt and keep me on track. I am with you on the 10% before Christmas! For me, that is 21.5 pounds. I can't believe I'm posting that, but it's true. So here we go...

5:48 PM, September 10, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with you too.... I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and lost 20 lbs after the diagnosis, but since then I just want more sugar and carbs because they are off limits. 10% = 16 lbs for me... I am in!! Let's do this!

9:58 AM, September 11, 2008  
Blogger Aimee said...

Hey Cara - Never read your blog before, but this post was soooo inspiring. I'm doing WW right now and I've lost around 30 lbs... I have about 25-30 left to go, so I'm totally in on your challenge.

Thanks for the inspiration, girl!


12:28 PM, September 11, 2008  
Blogger Stephanie Baxter said...

1 pound a week? TOTALLY do-able! I'm in!

Love from fellow Typist, Steph x

1:36 PM, September 11, 2008  
Blogger Sandy said...

omg cara!! i could cry....i cannot believe how much you sound like me! "my mom, in effort to support me
and help me learn how to eat right,
took me to Weight Watchers." the EXACT same thing happened to me. i was 15, 5'9" and 150 lbs. wtf? i was a fox when i look back. i would KILL to be that again. well my friend i'm so happy you're going to ww!! i started in april and am down a little over 25 lbs. any my philosphy is that even a mere 1lb a week is 52 lbs in a year...so i'm there with ya. i've been stuck all summer so you've motivated me to get back into it. 10% by xmas...that's perfect!! i'm gonna keep checking on ya and i'll let you know how it's going! xo

12:46 PM, September 18, 2008  
Blogger MeganK said...

Gor for it girlie! As long as you want to do it to be healthy and for you, then it's totally do-able. I used to try to loose weight for others and it always fails. I'm cheering for ya!

P.S. I love the tradition layout below!

2:11 PM, September 19, 2008  
Blogger Nina said...

I just found your blog today...and I just love the energy in your writing! Cannot join in on your challenge, cuz I'm only about a 110 po├║nds and there wouldn't be much left....but you GO GIRL!! Fight the battle, and win! ;)

Greetings from Denmark,

10:34 AM, October 29, 2008  

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