tReaDmiLL*loVe

(photo by kellyjackson.com)

lately, that day has felt really far away.
and maybe it is supposed to.
it was, after all, a ceremony.
a party.
i was wearing a dress unlike any other
that i had worn before
or will wear again.
it was fireworks
and rainbows
and ponies.
and most of life is,
well, more like a treadmill.
a treadmill with really beautiful moments
along the way . . .
if you look real close, that is.
it is a series of taking out the trash,
going to the gym,
unloading the dishwasher.
sprinkled in is a great book,
a cup of delicious tea
(so delicious it makes you stop
and think of nothing
but how delicious it is),
a tender moment
in the kitchen
with you husband.
but really,
mostly,
it is a treadmill.

and it is painful sometimes.

this week, i have been listening
to the album i listened to four falls ago,
when i was falling in love
with herbert karl harjes.
one moment more,
by mindy smith,
filled my car those late summer and early fall days,
as i drove my silver honda civic
up a colorful mountain road
to work each day.
the words to "falling"
massaged my heart,
they were a map,
a guide.
they told me all about what was happening to me.
and it was beautiful
and scary
and mysterious
and terrifying.
it was not a treadmill.

but we are in love now.
and we are married.
like, really really married.
if there is a picture of him in the house,
i probably took it.
if my breakfast dishes got washed,
it was probably by him.

and we, mostly, know what is going to
happen
each
day.

and sometimes,
THAT is what is terrifying.

but then i talked to the three girls.
the only three girls
that have known me since i was 19.
the three girls pictured above,
beginning second from the left.
sarah
mikki
and
latyona.
not the order they are pictured in.
but the order i say their names.
it is just who they are to me.

and yesterday, when the treadmill became so terrifying
that my heart was physically aching,

they called me.
one at a time,
they called.
to talk to any of them in a given week is rare.
to talk to all of them on the same day
is a gift.
it is the beauty on the treadmill.

and they reminded me who i am
and who herb is.
and it was a relief.

and a reminder.

we need reminders.

this post was a reminder too.
full of life and hope and terrifying treadmill moments.

even the picture above is a reminder.
you'll notice that herb is on the bride's side
and i am on the groom's.
our friend jim,
who married us,
is brilliant and wise
and he did that on purpose.
we started the ceremonies on "our own sides"
and then after the salt covenant,
we changed sides.
as if to say,
"your side is my side
and your people are my people
and everywhere you are,
i will be."

it is all sort of romantic and whimsical
on paper.
in reality, it can be quite terrifying.
and messy.
really messy.
and sometimes boring.
but looking at the picture reminded me,
"its okay. because this is the way it was meant to be.
you did this on purpose. this is actually what you were going for."

and that helps.